The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
I now understand why retired people eat dinner so early.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) March 26, 2020
Me in 2019: If I could just have like a week with nothing to do and nowhere to go I could finally get this house clean and organized.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 24, 2020
Me now: Nope, that wasn't the problem....
QUARANTINE SELF-DISCOVERY: I am still regularly late to things even when they don't involve traveling any physical distance
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 25, 2020
ME, 10: I want everyone to like me
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) March 21, 2020
ME, 20: I hope most people like me
ME, 30: I'm leaving society to go live with a family of raccoons in the forest & don't care how anyone feels about it
I’m rly afraid I’m going to learn something about myself during this
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 21, 2020
I might run out of toilet paper, but if anyone needs 40 plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags, I will be the queen of this crisis.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 22, 2020
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
— open your purse (@_chismosa_) March 26, 2020
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
— Addison (@addie_huneycutt) March 24, 2020
really glad that one month ago, I chose a neutral nail
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 25, 2020
Day 1: This'll be fantastic. I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 27, 2020
Day 8: Engages in conversation with a lamp.
pre-isolation: ah there's a bug in here kill it!!!
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) March 22, 2020
now: hello Kendra the bug welcome to our home may we interest you in a glass of wine
i want to check on my extroverted friends but i'm afraid they will want to talk to me
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) March 22, 2020
me fighting every urge in my body telling me to eat a second lunch pic.twitter.com/5cBZ89alzn
— ziwe (@ziwe) March 22, 2020
One thing I’ve learned so far in quarantine is that my husband refuses to microwave anything for 45 seconds, he always does 44. When I asked him why, he said, “For Obama.”
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 26, 2020
during isolation it’s important to have a variety of activities. Sometimes I read twitter on my phone; other times, my laptop. It’s all about balance.
— Olivia Munk (@oliviammunk) March 25, 2020
my houseplants seeing me approach with a watering can for the second time in three days pic.twitter.com/nzglb6A407
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) March 25, 2020
What is a "weekend"?
— Charlotte Clymer 🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) March 27, 2020
when the self care and crafting and cooking ISNT curing your anxiety pic.twitter.com/FwsA03X37l
— Becca Barton (@Becckitt) March 26, 2020
s/o to all the genuine introverts who still aren't showing up even when all the social engagements have moved online
— Bree Newsome Bass (@BreeNewsome) March 25, 2020
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) March 27, 2020
DAD: You couldn't do that now. Coronavirus.
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