If you want to know what married life is actually like, look no further than these spot-on tweets.
Every other week, we round up the funniest quips from the husbands and wives of Twitter. Now, as 2019 comes to a close, we’re showcasing the most hilarious marriage tweets we saw this year. Below, check out 50 of the best ones that will have you laughing into 2020.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
— Jawbreaker 🎊🍾🥂 (@sixfootcandy) September 3, 2019
My wife just got mad at me for fast forwarding through a commercial because she wanted to use that time to look at her phone.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 11, 2019
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 26, 2019
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 16, 2019
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019
Me: I guess not.
I know it looks like my husband and I are eating in silence and ignoring each other, but we're eavesdropping on you so we can talk about you in the car.
— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) May 29, 2019
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
— Tawny Newsome (@TrondyNewman) October 16, 2019
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 16, 2019
Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019
me: Have you seen my keys?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
me: Yeah
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
wife:
me *finds keys* No
Husband: Could you have said that with a little less attitude?
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 17, 2019
Me: I could have but then I wouldn’t be the woman you married.
Wife: I am not talking to you
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) January 3, 2019
Me: ok
Wife: don’t you want to know the reason?
Me: No,I respect and trust your decision
Wife laying diagonally across the middle of the bed.
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) January 30, 2019
Me: So... I’ll just stand over in the corner.
Tonight my husband and I swore one of the most solemn vows of our marriage and promised never to throw each other a surprise party.
— Alexander Chee (@alexanderchee) July 8, 2019
Oh to have the confidence of my husband who started a 2hr movie at 10:20pm.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 16, 2019
My wife heard a noise downstairs and woke me up to go check it out. Because apparently my life doesn't matter.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 24, 2019
[wife gets in bed]
— Skoog (@Skoog) January 29, 2019
her: can you grab my chapstick?
me: [grabbing the two on her dresser] which one
her: ooo not those grab the one in my purse
me: [rummaging] none in here
her: k grab either the bathroom one or the kitchen one
me: what...what the fuck is happening right now
My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019
[My funeral]
— Gregnog 🏳️🌈 (@DaddyGrownup) September 18, 2019
Husband: hey... what's our Amazon Prime password?
Husband woke me up before my alarm.
— *Lady V* (@tanbotha24) April 2, 2019
We duel at sunset.
Magically, my wife texted me more items for the grocery list once I was in the parking lot having completed the initial grocery list.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) February 5, 2019
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 10, 2019
Husband: *crying* Please don’t do this to our family. I beg you.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 19, 2019
Me: *adding another diy home improvement to my Pinterest board*
Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked.
— Momtribevibe ❄❄❄ (@momtribevibe) November 10, 2019
Me: I can’t believe we’ve been together for so long. The time has flown by.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) March 31, 2019
Wife: Has it?
The stress from my wife watching me wash the dishes while she waits to dry them is unbearable.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 24, 2019
[50 years from now]
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
— Whiskey Enthusiast🥃 (@Chance2k11) November 19, 2019
Before you marry someone:
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 28, 2019
1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal.
2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on.
3. Watch them brush their teeth.
4. Make sure you are temperature compatible.
5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
[ MARRIED SEXT ]
— HITCH (@titanmoon10) March 30, 2019
Her: Come downstairs now, I need your body
Me: We having sex?
Her: No, I need you to get the rest of the groceries from the trunk
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Why does my husband think if he presses really hard on the remote it will make the batteries less dead???
— MommaG (@TheOnlyMommaG) June 29, 2019
Dating dude: I’m annoyed this girl stole my hoodie.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 16, 2019
Married dude: literally every piece of clothing my wife has on right now was once mine.
Married sex is wanting to have sex all day and then falling asleep right before you get the chance because you're tired.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) May 12, 2019
You're my wife and I love you dearly, we’re ride or die and we share many things but this charger is mine. Find your own.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) April 15, 2019
My wife’s favourite hobby is texting me a question and not reading the answer
— Funk Doc (@FU_TangClan) April 26, 2019
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 1, 2019
Me:
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 5, 2019
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[sits]
Wife: Can you...
Get married and spend the rest of your lives trying to figure out what to do with your arms while you sleep.
— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) May 17, 2019
paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) June 12, 2019
my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice
Marriage, day 3836362726282
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) July 2, 2019
I now refuse to say “bless you” to my husband when he doesn’t take his allergy meds.
No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your wife’s feet will be when she puts them on your back.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2019
wife: when I said get a hobby I meant like golf or whatever
— brent (@murrman5) July 29, 2019
me making another batch of prison wine: I like this
“Now what?”
— dADDisms (@Beagz) November 17, 2019
- Me and my wife at 7:46pm on date night after we’ve already been to Target, Costco and Home Depot.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) December 10, 2019
Marriage is spending years carefully learning your spouse’s likes and dislikes so you can order things they hate and won’t steal off your plate.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) November 7, 2019
Instead of telling my husband to have a great day, I put a shitload of extra cheese in his eggs. Same thing.
— Stacey (@skittle624) August 22, 2019
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 12, 2019
Me asleep with an imperceptible nose whistle, wife makes me go to the guest room.
— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 17, 2019
The dog snores, farts, growls, and drools on the pillow, wife makes him the little spoon.
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