Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 10, 2021
Me: wow
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) April 17, 2021
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If you think marriage sounds romantic, my husband just asked if I minded if he pooped while I’m in a bubble bath...
— Anti-bodies Betty (@EzMacArt) April 8, 2021
Me: *Repeating something my wife said exactly as I remember it*
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) April 17, 2021
My wife: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 12, 2021
Me: *wakes husband from sleeping* What are you thinking about? You seem distant.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 16, 2021
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 7, 2021
Not to brag but after a year into the lockdown my wife and I can communicate by rage folding a pile of laundry
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 13, 2021
My husband went to the grocery store this morning which was super helpful so now I’m headed to the grocery store to get all the things we need.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 16, 2021
My husband has seen me sick with the flu. He has seen me puking drunk. He has seen me grunting and moaning in childbirth.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) April 12, 2021
But if he tries to watch me while I’m hopping around during my workout I will gouge his eyes out with spoons.
[stuck on a home improvement project]
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2021
Me: I have an idea.
Wife: No fire.
Me: I'm out of ideas.
Husband: *undressing me with his eyes*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 11, 2021
Me: *telling him to throw those clothes in the hamper with my eyes*
Husband is tired. pic.twitter.com/YJVcYNWG5K
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 17, 2021
Me- *on my actual deathbed*
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) April 7, 2021
My husband- Have you seen my keys?
The wife and I are debating on a new family car.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) April 10, 2021
She’s going to test drive one today.
I said we’re not buying it today and going to weigh our options.
So we’ll compromise and sign on the dotted line by this afternoon.
My wife needlessly woke me up from a nap yesterday to tell me about her friend's weight loss, so I woke her up at three am to tell her about my new lawn mower.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) April 7, 2021
Pretty sure the docuseries was invented just to give married people something to do together.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 18, 2021
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 19, 2021
Me: I’ve folded all your purses and put them in your dresser.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 8, 2021
Husband: What?
Me: I said, I folded all of your cargo shorts and put them away.
I’m starting to think my wife may not find the charming things I do charming.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) April 7, 2021
I hate it when my husband uses my favorite fork and I have to wash his black socks in bleach to teach him a lesson.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) April 10, 2021
Husband was yelling at me for being a "bad finder" again because I didn't get something he asked for at the store so I tried to explain it's not because I lack talent but it's because I don't try and he shouted "DO YOU THINK I'M RELIEVED THAT YOU'RE LAZY INSTEAD OF INCOMPETENT."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 13, 2021
[guiding my husband into a parking spot]
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 13, 2021
“Back up.”
“A little more.”
“A little more.”
“A little more.”
*Crashes into a trash can*
“Okay, that’s good.”
Sometimes I intentionally ruin my husband's dinner so his expectations don't get too high.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 10, 2021
Alexa, mute my husband he’s talking about golf again
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 11, 2021
