Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Wife: Can you take the quinoa off the stove?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 26, 2023
Me: Sure, can you hold the trash open?
due to my wife's recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she's perfectly safe.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 24, 2023
My husband suggested we visit a different grocery store while we were in town today and the level of excitement we both felt as grown adults was something I was not prepared for— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) February 25, 2023
I've started swimming almost every day and my dermatologist husband has now begun forcing me every evening to strip down and let him lather me up with lotion. This sounds sexy, but it's not. He's very angry about my dry skin. There is a lot of yelling and lecturing.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 16, 2023
Me: I cleaned today so we’re ordering take out tonight.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 17, 2023
Me: I’ll be taking no more questions at this time.
quick q, how do you get your kid to stop playing Minecraft and pay attention to you?!?! oh also this isn’t about my kid it’s about my husband— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 21, 2023
Sorry dinner is late kids, I had to wait for your dad to come stand in front of the cabinet I needed to open— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) February 21, 2023
The best part of our week-long beach vacation was my wife coming up with a slogan for a hypothetical line of masc lesbian swim shorts: “are you a top who can’t figure out your bottoms?”— gabrielle korn (@Gabrielle_Korn) February 16, 2023
I don’t know if my husband truly appreciates my ability to change song lyrics to make them about our cats.— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) February 22, 2023
does anyone know a good divorce lawyer? my husband asked what I was reading and I said, "a room of one's own" and he replied, "I actually prefer rooms with two or three zones"— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) February 20, 2023
Before I was married, I didn’t know you had to go to the grocery store “with a plan”— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 19, 2023
Instead of arguing with my husband while I’m upset, I like to take some time to cool down by slowly flipping through the Ulta catalog in front of him— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 19, 2023
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me pic.twitter.com/U4KlbI4PQh— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 14, 2023
My wife and I spent twenty minutes logging into a shared grocery store account on both our phones so I guess you could say our relationship is getting pretty serious.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2023
Chivalry in marriage is farting under the sheets but flapping the covers so you can spare your wife from the stink— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) February 18, 2023
I came home with steaks and flowers.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 19, 2023
On a scale of 1 to husband…how’d I do?
When my wife and I want to watch a movie after 8PM our first question is how long is it.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 26, 2023
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won't listen to anything I say because he doesn't "take advice from tomatoes."— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) February 25, 2023
marriage is one going out for errands while the other checks their location to see how much alone time they have remaining— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) February 25, 2023
Me: I just don’t know how to deal with humans anymore— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) February 20, 2023
My wife: you never knew how to deal with humans
My wife said everyone should have a practice husband before their “real husband” and it took an hour for me to realize I’m the practice husband.— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) February 18, 2023
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 17, 2023
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 22, 2023
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
As I was fiddling with buttons & cursing at my Instant Pot my husband had the gall to ask me if I'd read the instructions.— MOMther (@PezzleStick) February 21, 2023
I mean ... I didn't, but how *DARE* he?!?