Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me ten years ago: one day I'll find another fun-loving night owl and we'll be the most exciting couple in town.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 23, 2023
Me to my husband just now: ok fine. We can go to bed at 7:30, I guess.
Wives be like “This will change everything” and it’s just installing a shelf in the garage.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 26, 2023
If I’m drinking tea and I haven’t made my wife one, she shouts “SHARING TEA!” and grabs it and drinks it. Logging here for future divorce court.— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) January 27, 2023
Told my wife I'll give up football next weekend in order to watch the two games today.— jeFF (@TheFantasyEng) January 29, 2023
I choked on some water in the middle of the night and instead of asking if I was ok my husband just stared at me then went back to sleep in case you wondered what a long term relationship looks like— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) January 28, 2023
My wife is upset at me so I asked my 7YO to cheer her up by playing Yankee Doodle on the kazoo— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 19, 2023
They say money can’t buy happiness but it can buy you a drain snake that lets you unclog your wife’s drain hair.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 27, 2023
When my husband is mad at me,— Midge (@mxmclain) January 26, 2023
I point at my wedding ring and whisper “forever”
My husband broke his hand so I opened the pickle jar for him. He said “thanks”. I said “it’s no big dill”. Then I put the mostly empty dip back in the fridge and stood in front of the drawer he needed.— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 29, 2023
tonight we played the game quirkle and my husband jokingly called me a quirkle jerk after i made an awesome move and now my six year old thinks its a hilarious name to call someone in case you’re looking for parenting role models— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 18, 2023
DATING: Good morning.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 17, 2023
MARRIED: You snored last night.
my husband *going to the kitchen*: want me to get you ice cream?— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 17, 2023
me: i already had some
husband: so what do you want me to get you?
me: ......ice cream
Marriage is boring each other about work things and neither one of you listening.— Laura is never ready (@ericamorecambe) January 27, 2023
marriage can be difficult but rewarding! like this morning i told my husband “i love you” and he looked me deep into my eyes and said “do you know where my keys are?”— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 18, 2023
I’m reasonably certain my wife married me just to dis my opinions.— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) January 25, 2023
Me: I’m just in a really weird place right now.— Nater (@GorillaNipples1) January 26, 2023
Wife: I see that. Now please get out of my hamper.
Accidentally had an uncomfortable “we need to tighten our budget” talk with my wife before the $300 box of baseball cards I bought last week got here.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 19, 2023
At some point, every marriage enters its "did you hear a word I said" phase.— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) January 25, 2023
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 26, 2023
My wife *7 times a day*: how can you not see things right in front of your eyes!— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 27, 2023
Also my wife *7 times a day*: can you help me find my phone ?!
Husband’s leading by example by trying not to swear in front of the kitten.— Laura is never ready (@ericamorecambe) January 22, 2023
"Marriage is forever" Ok but what if your partner wants to order their own pizza instead of splitting some pizza and pasta with you— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) January 21, 2023
“I didn’t hear you say that.”— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 20, 2023
- A marriage memoir