Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 22 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband’s favorite time to ask me a question is when I’m upstairs and can’t hear a word he’s saying.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 16, 2023
I have this kind of kinky fantasy where my husband and I are both in our kitchen at the same time and it doesn’t feel claustrophobic.— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) March 26, 2023
Me: Are you done with your fries?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2023
Wife: No. Do you know how you can tell?
Wife: I still have fries.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 19, 2023
my husband is confused why i snapped at him, as if he wasn’t part of the argument i just had with him in my head for the last ten minutes— nika (@nikalamity) March 20, 2023
Me: did you see I made the bed and the dishes?— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) March 25, 2023
My husband: who came over here?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 17, 2023
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 23, 2023
My husband interrupted my nap by asking me to “smell this meat.” Relax, we’re over 40. He was just asking about a beef roast we had in the fridge— Heatherhere 🥝🥝 (@Heatinblack) March 23, 2023
Always a pleasure to see what my husband adds to our shared calendar without context or explanation each and every day. pic.twitter.com/IffReCGhGS— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 22, 2023
the best part about having a husband is you get to wake up to empty snack boxes that had snacks in them when you went to bed— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) March 23, 2023
Half the married arguments would not happen if wives did not talk over the noise of the appliances— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 17, 2023
We are out of ibuprofen so I gave my husband 2 brown m&ms hoping he won’t notice— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 18, 2023
Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 21, 2023
my wife has been married to me, a man, for nearly a decade yet still asks questions like “why did you put that there??” as if I have any idea— Storv (@StorvLovesYou) March 20, 2023
Our cable went out so my wife suggested I call them, and we laughed and laughed.— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) March 14, 2023
Spent last night in the ER from severe abdominal pain for 2 days. After an EKG, blood work and X-rays the doctor told me I'm full of actual shit. My wife said she's been telling me that for years.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 21, 2023
there are two kinds of people: the rush to go to the doctor at the slightest hint of illness person, or the “just chill and hope it goes away eventually” person. and they’re married— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 14, 2023
Wife: Don't be weird— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) March 15, 2023
Me: I won't
Parent in laws: Are you two hungry
Me: Nope, I just ate before we came *finger guns at wife*
My husband is in the shower and I just heard him scream "oh no help me! No wait. I think I'm ok."— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 16, 2023
I didn't answer and I'm not going to.
Me: *cleaning our apartment before we leave for the airport*— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 27, 2023
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: The building manager is coming over to replace the porch light while we’re gone.
“We need to order more collagen peptides,” and other sexy things I say to my husband— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 16, 2023