And somehow, the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I’ve decided to turn the spare bedroom into an extra dining room so my husband can chew apart from me.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 30, 2020
Quarantine day 13: My husband is describing sandpaper to me.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 29, 2020
Me: *yelling through the front door* THANKS FOR THE DELIVERY. JUST LEAVE THE GROCERIES ON THE DOORSTEP.— dADDisms (@Beagz) March 28, 2020
Wife: let me in the fucking house.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 4, 2020
Me: Can you hand me that clip?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 3, 2020
Husband: Can you please buy some actual hair clips? Every time you want to wear your hair up I have to finish the chips.
Wife: What movie should we watch?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2020
Me: That depends. Are you going to stay awake past the opening credits?
Wife: *already asleep*
I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 2, 2020
Husband: I heard a symptom of the virus is having no taste— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 1, 2020
Me, looking at his shoes: you should get tested
Husband: You should go to bed.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 24, 2020
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Making Sunday breakfast before marriage: Cute and fun— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) March 29, 2020
Making Sunday breakfast after marriage and kids: Rage beating eggs and passive aggressively burning bacon
Me - I can't find the sea salt.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 30, 2020
Wife - It's next to the paprika.
Me - No it isn't.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Wife: What are you guys playing?— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 24, 2020
Wife: But the kids are just hopping up and down while you're drinking scot-
Wife: Got an extra glass?
I ran out of deodorant four days ago. On a completely unrelated note, my husband has quit asking for sex.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 29, 2020
Had to fake an injury to get out of doing some of these chores I’ve been telling my wife I would do as soon as I had the time.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 26, 2020
Wife (to kids): Wait till your father comes home!!— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) March 30, 2020
Me: I’ve...I’ve been here for weeks
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 1, 2020
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[lying in bed]— Mummy Dear 🤦🏼♀️ 🇨🇦 (@ThatMummyLife) March 30, 2020
Me: hope I can get to sleep. so many things running through my head.
Husband: i know. i feel the sa...
Me: huh? hello?
my wife likes to whisper sweet things in my ear in the morning like..."the toilet leaked all night and the floor is flooded."— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 25, 2020
Wife: Did you know 95 percent of people are immune to leprosy?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2020
Wife: Did you know humming birds are the only bird that can fly backwards?
Wife: Did you know I'm going to keep reading you facts until I'm not bored anymore?
Me: This quarantine needs to end.
Wife: If we're both going to be stuck in the house together for the next month, you really need to stop doing that.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 2, 2020
Me: Stop doing what?
Wife [gesturing to me, in general]: that.
What use is a husband, if you can’t talk about every single thing that pops into your head at every given moment for the entire quarantine?— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 28, 2020
Whenever my husband calls me from the grocery store he whispers. I think he's embarrassed that he has so many questions.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 29, 2020
Turns out that my husband knew how to clean thoroughly this whole time. He just needed the motivation of a deadly pandemic.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 26, 2020