Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband: we got invited to 3 holiday parties
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) December 5, 2022
Me: yay people like us
Husband: are we going
Me: absolutely not
Someone explain to me right now why it was "rude" to tell my husband he looked like "a sexy Mr. Rogers" this morning as he left for work.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 22, 2022
Married Wrapped 2022 list is out! My most heard tunes were
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 1, 2022
1. What’s for dinner
2. Did you even look?! (Explicit)
3. Never mind! I’ll do it myself
If I had a boyfriend, I’d say nice things like “hello” and “you smell good,” but I have a husband so I say things like “did you just fart” and “your keys are on your nightstand”
— Ousa the Christmas Goosa (@MedusaOusa) November 29, 2022
Here’s a marriage tip, if you need a new can opener just get a new can opener. Don’t give one to your wife for Christmas.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2022
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 29, 2022
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 2, 2022
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
husbands rolling over in bed and touching their wife's leg with their toe is the married version of a late night "you up?" text
— 🚀🎅Dad Missile Toeing🎅🚀 (@raoulvilla) December 3, 2022
Update: after I fell asleep my husband came home and turned the lights to a less gay setting.
— https://mstdn.social/@benjaminjs (@BenjaminJS) December 2, 2022
I can’t cook for you, you’re too picky, my husband says earnestly looking deep in my eyes as I eat a digestive biscuit dipped in Cheez Whiz
— smerobin (@smerobin) November 28, 2022
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas and then I remembered we don't live in a commercial.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 29, 2022
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) November 29, 2022
Now I can't read anything.
Top 3 marriage questions:
— Yard Dad (@IAmYardDad) November 29, 2022
1. What do you want to eat?
2. How long are you going to be in there?
3. Where are you going?
I loaned the neighbor our extension cord, only I hadn’t coiled it before putting it away so it was one big knot and now my husband says we have to move
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 28, 2022
My husband thinks I’m ridiculous for refusing to answer the door when someone comes over unannounced but I’m like, sir, I was a latchkey kid. It is ingrained in me to duck, cover, and hold my breath until they stop knocking and leave.
— Tiffany (@tiffanytweets80) November 29, 2022
Sitting with a friend this morning who is also married to a Swiftie talking about our most useful coping mechanisms when the same album has been on repeat in the house for a solid week. This is the support group I didn't know I needed.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 25, 2022
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying a glass of wine and a movie you can watch Peppa’s Christmas for the 86th time while I go outside and figure out why the giant inflatable Santa isn’t blowing up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 2, 2022
My husband let the dog outside, watched out the window to make sure he was out of ear range then turned to me and whispered “I got him a new chew rope for Christmas.”
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) December 1, 2022
I hope to one day find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My wife says "I can't find my keys!" BEFORE she even looks and other oddities of marriage.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) December 3, 2022
My spouse asked me if I need anything from the grocery store and I gave him this list: coffee stir sticks, bread for sandwiches, $1 million, and a vacation
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) December 5, 2022
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
— Jemma (@cygnusfive) November 29, 2022
got my wife an engraved gift for Xmas cause I wanted to get her something completely useless that she also couldn’t sell
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) December 2, 2022
Since I didn't pay for express shipping my wife will be getting her Christmas gifts between December 23 and June 6, 2029.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 28, 2022
when two people meet and one over thinks things and the other under thinks things they usually get married so they can drive each other crazy
— 🚀🎅Dad Missile Toeing🎅🚀 (@raoulvilla) November 22, 2022
