And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 28 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 6, 2021
*At the reading of my will*— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 6, 2021
My husband- Did she say where my keys might be?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2021
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Make good choices babe!!!— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) December 1, 2021
-me, to my wife who is going into Aldi
[heating up the last two slices of pizza]— Coach Rusty (@rusty_coach) December 6, 2021
Wife: aww is one of these for me?
My wife just said, "A documentary about fungi? Yes, please." And if that doesn't sum up how exciting we are at this point in our lives, nothing does.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2021
thoughts and prayers for my husband as our five year old looked him straight in the eyes and told him “your jokes aren’t funny”— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 5, 2021
Just remembered the time my gay ass husband asked his nephew if he was "going to audition for basketball this year."— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 7, 2021
So rude of my wife to not tell me about the school’s gift exchange event for which we both got multiple emails— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 9, 2021
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 6, 2021
It's cold in here.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 8, 2021
- my wife, from January 1st to December 31st
My husband at home: falling asleep sitting upright on the couch at 6pm— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 6, 2021
My husband in Las Vegas: LETS GOOOOOOO BABY WE’LL SLEEP WHEN WE’RE DEAD
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 9, 2021
I have to take my wife to the Amazon warehouse so she can tell the workers what she wants for Christmas and have her picture taken with one of them.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 3, 2021
Wife: *panicking* I don't have anything planned and it's in 2 weeks!— Village Person (@SvnSxty) December 9, 2021
Me: *shrugging* I don't have anything planned but it's not for 2 weeks
This holiday season, remember, it’s the thought that counts.— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) December 5, 2021
And I think my husband can buy his family their own gifts this year.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 9, 2021
My wife says living with me is a lot like living with Steve Martin, but only if Steve Martin isn’t funny and farts a lot— ADHDean, But 𝕸𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖗 (@ADHDeanASL) December 6, 2021
There are two types of people: those who hide a gift so it can’t be found and those who tell you not to look in the clear plastic bag on the table and they marry each other.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 1, 2021
my wife: what time is it? Is your watch right?— lucy bexley📚 (preorder No Strings out Jan 13) (@bexley_lucy) December 7, 2021
me: no, it’s six minutes fast
my wife: okay, is this clock on the wall right?
me: *squints* no, that’s an hour and two minutes ahead
my wife: of course it is
Accidentally used the voice I save for my kids on my husband, so I'll be hiding out in the garage for the rest of the week.— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) December 8, 2021
Married Wrapped 2021 list is out! My most heard tunes were— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 9, 2021
1. What’s for dinner
2. Did you even look?! (Explicit)
3. Never mind I’ll do it myself
Yesterday my husband asked me to stop by a grocery store on our way to an event so he could go in and buy a whole-ass rotisserie chicken, consume the entire thing with his bare hands in the car, and then spend the rest of the night complaining that his stomach hurt.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 6, 2021
When my wife and I watch an 80s movie I have to promise I won't say the lines before the actors do.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 3, 2021
My husband left the microwave at 2 seconds and omg my ocd can't handle this.— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) December 9, 2021
my wife can’t remember what she ate for breakfast but she can remember how to get somewhere we went one time, 11 years ago.— dan (@dadopotamus) December 6, 2021
Husband: We’re having a white elephant gift exchange at work, do you have anything I could use?— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) December 8, 2021
Me: Indeed I do….(Unlocks closet full of clown tchotchkes gifted from great aunt Mildred)
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her all of the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies are the same.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 4, 2021