And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: We need to work on our communication.— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 20, 2019
Husband: You mean me listening to you and doing whatever you say?
Marriage is funny. You do all this intimate stuff together, but the moment your spouse uses your toothbrush or shares your towel, you have to burn that shit.— Melanie (@ImMelanieGibson) November 25, 2019
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.— Whiskey Enthusiast🥃 (@Chance2k11) November 19, 2019
Didn’t know being sick was a contest, until I got married.— Nacho Enthusiast (@leapeajo) December 1, 2019
My husband spent approximately 17 seconds cleaning lint from the dryer for the first time and is now preparing himself for sainthood.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) November 27, 2019
Shazam’d my wife snoring last night and it came up as Bob Dylan lol.— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 27, 2019
Things my husband Googles: How gravel is made?— The Vagina Diary (@thevaginadiary) November 30, 2019
Things I Google: How to lease a Sloth?
My wife doesn't like it when I wear sweatpants out to dinner, but she usually wears leggings.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 28, 2019
Leggings are just slimmer sweatpants.
This morning I’m grateful for my husband pooping in our kids bathroom and not ours.— Mama•Is•Tired (@MomOf2Happas) November 30, 2019
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) November 24, 2019
"I think the dog prefers Evian" and other terrifying things my wife has said to me— henchbeaver (@henchbeaver) December 1, 2019
In all these years of marriage I have learned that when I think I'm right I'm mostly wrong.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 30, 2019
My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) November 25, 2019
I leave town for a week: here's the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.
that terrible sound my wife’s car was making turned out to be dave matthews band— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) November 30, 2019
Sometimes, my husband and I will get all romantic and just start dancing together. We don’t even turn on any music, because the sound of our joints popping and cracking keeps us on beat all on its own.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 24, 2019
I'm bad at everything on purpose because my wife appreciates consistency.— ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ʙᴇɪɴɢ (NOT BEES) (@human_not_bees) November 24, 2019
There are two types of men: the ones that don't shush you during Braveheart because they've seen the damned movie 42 times, and then there's my husband.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) November 28, 2019
You know you're about to have a lit time when you walk into Walmart, and your wife says: get a cart...you never know...— A Christmas Dump Truck (@marthasa1) November 19, 2019
It occurred to me that my wife and I have 12, maybe 13 years before we can probably have a date night without worrying about baby sitters or the kids.— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) November 22, 2019
It’s made me stressed.
Not because it’s years away, but because it might not be enough time for her to decide where to go.
Marriage is fun because you started off as a cute couple that couldn't fart in front of each other, but now you can smell his farts and know if he cheated on you with chipotle.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) November 21, 2019
50% of marriage is spent saying “That’s not what I said.”— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 22, 2019
*walks downstairs*— Cathryn 💚 (@AngryRaccoon2) December 2, 2019
*hears Husband untangling Christmas lights*
*goes back upstairs*
My husband doesn’t like looking up anything online..he prefers to call the store and ask someone who has no fucking clue if they have something.. then he gets on his dinosaur to go pick it up.— MommaG (@TheOnlyMommaG) December 1, 2019
WIFE: what do u want for Christmas— Eric (@ericsshadow) November 19, 2019
WIFE: come on seriously
ME: a snow blower
ME: a new tv
ME: an iPad
WIFE: tell me more
'You get what you get and you don't get upset.'— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) November 23, 2019
I say to myself when my husband brings me a snack, but it's not the one I really wanted.