And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Marriage teaches you a lot. I now know 75 different ways to tell my husband that he’s wrong.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 7, 2020
"No means no," I remind my wife, as she eyes the pimple on my shoulder.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 3, 2020
Husband: Do you have to jump to the worst case scenario for every situation?— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) January 10, 2020
Me: I’m sorry, have we met?
My wife banned me from loading the dishwasher, so does this mean I won at marriage?— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 7, 2020
I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 3, 2020
Me: Do that thing I like.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 4, 2020
My husband: *Gives me an ice cream sandwich, hands me the remote, and leaves me alone for a few hours*
My husband has been awake approximately 10 minutes and hasn’t told me happy birthday yet so someone should probably check on him later.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 4, 2020
Me getting ready for date night:— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 11, 2020
Shower, make dinner for kids, try to put make up on, get kid a snack, put make up on again, do my hair, referee sibling fight, get dressed.
Sits in a chair & asks why I’m not ready yet.
My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we've both been awake since January 14, 2013.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 10, 2020
My husband just got back from the gym and took a nap on the freshly washed sheets and he could have just told me he wanted a divorce— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 6, 2020
The secret to a happy marriage is pre assembled furniture.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) January 13, 2020
My husband likes cottage cheese. But apparently not the big curds, and not the low fat, and not with fruit mixed in, and not the Purity brand. This man had better not ever call me a diva.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 7, 2020
*at shoe store*— sophielou (@sophielou) January 7, 2020
My husband (confirming stereotype) loudly announcing that THERE IS NO COMFORTABLE SHOE OTHER THAN A WHITE NEW BALANCE
My wife is annoyed because I didn't put the spices back in the cabinet according to her proven scientific method.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 8, 2020
Husband: Did you wash your hair this morning? The drain is super clogged.— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 6, 2020
Me, remembering shaving three months of leg hair: Yeah.
If your spouse has never repeated the same thing 3 times and you still don’t know what the hell they said, but you respond with “ok sure honey”, you haven’t been married long enough.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) January 9, 2020
Wife: what are you doing?— Rock (@TheCensoredRock) January 12, 2020
Me[downloading movies on Disney+ for my flight] just gangster shit
I only got married because I needed something to remind me of family birthdays and back then it seemed cheaper than a Palm Pilot.— bacon popsicle 🤗 (@Gupton68) January 11, 2020
No, my husband did not notice my last hair trim, but apparently he has had a full mustache for 3 weeks now and tonight is the first time I noticed it.— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@AnecdtlBrthCtrl) January 10, 2020
Husband: What are you eating?— Not much of a Housewife (@notmuchofahw) January 1, 2020
Husband: but you just put nachos in the oven.
Me: Ah, yes. I understand the confusion. These are my pre-nachos nachos.
If one spouse empties the dishwasher and the other spouse isn't around to hear it, did it really happen?— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 6, 2020
Husband: Did you eat all the cookies?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 4, 2020
Me: I need insulation for the winter.
Husband: We live in Los Angeles.
Me: Well, just in case we go somewhere cold.
Me: It’s been 2 hours. We should stop and ask for directions.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 10, 2020
Husband: For the last time, we are not asking anyone how to get out of this IKEA.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 8, 2020
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Breakdown of texts to my husband:— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 9, 2020
23%: “where are you”
18%: “what’s taking so long”
16%: “did you leave yet”
43%: “FYI, the kids just broke the [insert household item]”