Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
my toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy shit I've never been so wrong in my life— Ben Purkert (@BenPurkert) March 19, 2023
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to— meghan (@deloisivete) March 22, 2023
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) March 21, 2023
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Helpful literary criticism from my 6th grader: “If there’s a dog on the cover and the book has won an award, I won’t read it, because the dog definitely dies.”— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) March 18, 2023
"MOMMY LOOK IT'S A BOY ELEPHANT! I CAN SEE HIS 𝙋𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙎!" my 6yo yells to me and about fifty complete strangers in our vicinity pic.twitter.com/wTOcwzSvgD— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 19, 2023
My son is asking the 3yo if he can eat the rest of her ice cream when she’s full and she’s screaming “I WILL NEVER BE FULL.” She will rule the world someday.— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 18, 2023
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 21, 2023
The 13-year-old has, no word of a lie, made a 23-slide PowerPoint presentation on why we should let her have a tortoise, and exactly what it would involve. pic.twitter.com/9kIDP9mjRP— Matthew Horton (@matthewjh) March 18, 2023
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 20, 2023
My kid came in at 1 am and said did I wake you and I said no I had to get up to put you back to bed anyway.— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) March 20, 2023
My kid would like me to make her a turkey sandwich, but not with the turkey that can fly, with the turkey that’s a circle— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 21, 2023
Nobody warns you that when you have kids that you suddenly become an event planner— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 23, 2023
daycare sent a note today that my baby "tried to bite someone else and accidentally bit herself." she's just like me fr— Erin Somers (@SomersErin) March 21, 2023
13-year-olds be like, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through” and it’s just breaking up with their boyfriend of 3 days.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 22, 2023
My 6-year-old, getting on an elevator. “Daddy, I don’t need to hold the railing. From this day forward, I’m a man.”— Jay Faerber (@JayFaerber) March 23, 2023
10: I don't like to tuck my shirt into my pants. but if you don't tuck your shirt into your pants does that mean you're tucking your pants into your shirt??— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 22, 2023
My 5yo at her soccer game, "did we fight these kids already?" Yep, we've played this team before lol— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 22, 2023
Before kids: “My KiDs WiLL eAt wHaT I GiVe ThEm.”— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 23, 2023
Two kids in: “What do you want for lunch? A bowl of ketchup with a side of melted ice cream? Ok, here you go.”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 22, 2023
6: Why do all the best foods have the letter G in it? Gummy bears, eggs, tacgos?— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 21, 2023
My son had a party invite to a bowling place/arcade and was totally mortified when we decided to stay and play with his sisters during that time.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 19, 2023
We weren’t even in the same room.
Teens are fun.
do you have enough emotional support snackies?— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 21, 2023
-me, as a therapist
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 20, 2023