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I don't understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) January 18, 2020
The gym we go to has childcare for up to 90 minutes.— Krysta (@kaL12578) January 24, 2020
Dropping my kids off: BYE BABES LOVE YOU!
Them: Have a nice workout mom!!
Me: *showers for 90 minutes*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 20, 2020
I’d rather be woken up in the middle of the night with my kid staring at me holding a pair of scissors than my kid staring at me at any point during the day holding Candy Land.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 21, 2020
I’ve got 3 kids watching the same show on 3 devices in 3 separate rooms and frankly that’s the most sibling bonding they’ve done in years.— The Mom Who Knew Too Much (@Gilapfeffer) January 24, 2020
Parenting: [mutters] I wish they would grow out of this damn phase.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 23, 2020
Also parenting: [sobs] They are growing up too damn quickly.
I’m a return the permission slip after the deadline and with food stains on it kind of mom.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 23, 2020
I thought I knew what stress was but then I saw our 2 year old running around the house clutching an open tube of toothpaste— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) January 22, 2020
Me: Have a good day at school.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 22, 2020
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
PTA Member 1: What if we ask parents to send in one check for the funds we need?— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 21, 2020
PTA Member 2: Nah, let’s badger them with nonstop requests to attend restaurant nights, buy candy grams, do walk-a-thons, go to paint nights, and have their kids sell chocolate.
Member 1: I LOVE IT
Made it to that level of dad where you’d better not complain to me that it’s cold in here if you are barefoot.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2020
One minute you’re young, cool, and dancing to live music every Friday night, and the next minute you’re begging your kids through gritted teeth to go back to bed so you can finish watching your documentary about avocados.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) January 22, 2020
Do you ever look at your kids and just automatically know, “She’s gonna take care of me when I’m old, he’s gonna drink with me when I’m old, and she’s gonna have some nursing home on speed dial and drop me off at her soonest possible convenience”?— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 20, 2020
Me: “Are you excited for your first day of Pre-K?!”— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) January 23, 2020
Child: “No. I’m excited for snacks and the weekend.”
And the Oscar goes to my daughters for their performance as deprived kids every time they see an ice cream truck— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 23, 2020
At playgroup:— Not the Nanny (@notthenanny) January 20, 2020
My son, 3: Shiiiit.
Me: (gasp) Omg, where did you hear that.
Him: from you.
Me: (nervously) I didn’t say that.
Him: yeah, you fucking did.
Me: we’re just gonna go.
27% of parenting Is hiding to eat candy.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 20, 2020
10yo: Why do you always ruin a delicious supper with vegetables?— Lovely Potatoes (@robin_991) January 24, 2020
My daughter just asked me if my boobs were ever round. In case you’re wondering about some of the ways motherhood crushes your soul.— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) January 23, 2020
Have dogs and children so that you NEVER have to eat without being watched— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 23, 2020
Oprah: And here, we have Arianna. Tell us: What are you most thankful for?— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 20, 2020
Me: Ice cream. Spanx. Top shelf booze.
O: Don’t you have two kids? What about them?
M: They can’t drink booze, Oprah, don’t be stupid.