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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2021
My kid asked if he should leave something for the tooth fairy, so I need everyone to back me up that the traditional offering is a bottle of wine— meghan (@deloisivete) August 26, 2021
gave the three year old an etch-a-sketch. he played for a few minutes and then declared he almost won.— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 26, 2021
when i held my newborn baby girl five years ago i had no clue someday she would stare at me with daggers in her eyes because peanut butter toast to her meant with cold bread and not the warm slice i handed her— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 21, 2021
three year old saw me getting out of the shower naked and said, “mommy you’re so free!” which is cute but bitch I can’t even shower in peace can’t u see I’m in chains— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 23, 2021
"Are fish smelly because they fart when they are caught?"— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 21, 2021
-My 5-year-old, the philosopher
I told my 9yo son the “I can’t operate on him; he’s my son” riddle the other day, and it went like this:— Sara Warf (@SaraBWarf) August 22, 2021
Me: …so how is that poss—
9yo: It’s his mom.
Me: Or his other dad, I guess.
9yo: I don’t get how it’s a riddle.
When people say that my son looks just like me, my wife always says “doctors say there’s nothing they can do.”— The Dad (@thedad) August 22, 2021
While other parents are buying pencils & notebooks for back-to-school season, I'm gathering intel on the class mean girls in case my daughter needs to emotionally destroy them— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) August 26, 2021
I used my nightstand as a pillow when my kid crawled into bed with me at 3 a.m., parenting is literally hard, people.— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) August 23, 2021
me: any ideas for dinner?— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 25, 2021
wife: I don't know...maybe P-I-Z-Z-A?
son: I KNOW YOU'RE SPELLING!
me: sure, or what about T-A-C-O-S?
son: I'M IN KINDERGARTEN NOW! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!
me: o podemos ordenar comida china?
son: WHAT WAS THAT??? WE'RE NOT LEARNING THAT!!!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 21, 2021
The other day, we went to a fería (a farmer’s market), and our kids refused to eat lunch. My husband and I were frustrated.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 22, 2021
“You better get used to eating new foods!” We snapped.
Today, we are trying not to shit our souls out. The kids are fine.
I think we lost this one.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 21, 2021
If you’re not 12 hours early then are you even going to the movies, airport, party, or show with a dad?— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) August 24, 2021
7yr old: Mom watch this. Look mom. Mom are you watching? Mom did you see that? Did you see? Mom! Mom!— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) August 25, 2021
Me: I am watching! I am looking! I can not look any more than I’m looking! Like there is no higher of level of looking that I can possibly do!
7: Mom are you looking?
3 year old sitting outside the bathroom while family member is inside: “ARE YOU GOING POO POO OR PEE PEE?????”— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 25, 2021
Me: Why are you naked? You can’t be naked at school you know.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 23, 2021
My 5yo: I know that’s why I’m naked now because I’m going to miss being naked so much.
i put on a 90s playlist in the car and my kids seemed to be enjoying it until my 6-year-old yelled IS THIS AN OLD PERSON SONG right in the middle of smashmouth’s all star— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 26, 2021
Good news! My 8YO says she is halfway done with the story which she started telling last Monday— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 26, 2021
Almost two weeks into Kindergarten and my daughter has made “so many” friends but so far all we know is that one of the friends has a name that starts with an A— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) August 24, 2021
3 yo crouching by desk fan feeding her hair into it saying “Mommy I’m just cutting my braids” 🆘— Meena Harris (@meena) August 24, 2021
My daughter has started baking and with two brothers, has also become a ninja at hiding the treats she makes. Her transformation into a middle aged mom is almost complete.— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) August 26, 2021
Now my kids are older, I actually find watching dads chase after their run away toddlers hilarious— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) August 23, 2021
My pediatrician said bribery is not a good parenting strategy and I just wanted to pass that along in case you all needed a laugh— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) August 23, 2021