Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 26, 2023
Imagine it's Sunday morning. You've been allowed to sleep in as long as you want, and you have no chores or responsibilities all day. There's fresh fallen snow on the ground. Your mom makes Cinnamon rolls and serves you breakfast. But you're almost 3, so you are blind with rage.
— John Smillie (@JohnSmillie42) January 22, 2023
We fixed the 7yo’s label maker and I just found this on my desk pic.twitter.com/TudvotrWOj
— Kahnstantine (@KindBounce) January 25, 2023
If you took a kids book out of the library, and then it turns out that the library wants the book back, but you can’t find the book anywhere, where would you look for it? Just, you know, out of curiosity…
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 24, 2023
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) January 26, 2023
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My least favorite advice when I tell someone I am struggling to get my toddler to do something is “make it into a game!” I tired that, now my entire life has been made into a game, Im doing voices for his diapers, making his breakfast do stand up routines. Release me from this.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 26, 2023
Love that my daughter has her own little morning routine (watches a few episodes of Bluey while eating the $60 worth of fruit that I'd hoped would last the entire week)
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 23, 2023
When my daughter was four she tried to say she had the "heebie jeebies" but it came out "Hebrew Bee Gees" and that's how it's been pronounced in my house for the last ten years
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) January 26, 2023
Dads will slam kitchen cabinets and loudly rifle through pots and pans and then whisper-yell at the kids to be quiet because mom’s still sleeping.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 22, 2023
A child repeatedly and frantically yelling “mom” could mean they are seriously hurt or it could mean they need to tell their mom what their new favorite color is.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 25, 2023
I have to apologize for pretending to be a good father on here. I treated my 7 yo awful today and I'm not proud of it. I should not have asked him to take a shower this morning after his last shower was 5 days ago. I am sorry for my horrible actions.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 24, 2023
As a parent you give all your love to this tiny, helpless human and watch in awe and wonder as they grow and come into their own and ignore your desperate cries for toilet paper from the bathroom
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 24, 2023
We took our kids out to eat. My 5yo as she put her menu down, "I'll have the chef's special." The waitress with a blank stare, "ummm... we don't have one." My 5yo, "guess it's not a fancy restaurant." My 5yo always putting me on the spot.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 25, 2023
My 7YO changed her favorite color to teal, now our four year investment in pink is worth zilch
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 24, 2023
My husband has the flu and came down while I was scrambling to get the kids ready for school to tell me the house is a mess so I made him some cyanide with a side of tea.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) January 25, 2023
My 5-year-old busted in my bedroom door this morning and yelled “BOO!”
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) January 26, 2023
She was disappointed when I didn’t jump.
She said she REALLY wants to scare me because she’s never seen me scared.
Then she left.
Now I’m actually scared.
In 2014 I was in my studio in Toronto one weekend and there was a kid’s birthday party next door and they played Let It Go on repeat and I thought, annoyed, “that’s a lot of times to listen to this song” but now I have a 3 year old and truly: here I stand in the light of day
— Kate Beaton (@beatonna) January 26, 2023
Heartwarming: 33-month-old’s new thing is finding small, choking-sized rocks and telling his 9-month-old brother to “open up for a potato!”
— Joe Bernstein (@Bernstein) January 23, 2023
I told my 5yo that he could have some popcorn if he promised to listen to me more and his response was “what did you say” so we’re off to a great start
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 21, 2023
The parenting books never prepared me for how invested I would be in first grade gossip
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 24, 2023
Me tucking my son in: “I love you so much, I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world!”
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) January 26, 2023
Him, 7: “Not even a Domino’s pizza delivery car?!”
This morning I overheard a dad tell his daughter that her dinner would contain "evening blueberries" and he later whispered to me that because she'll eat all fruits but no veggies, "evening blueberries" is house code for "peas." Beatify him.
— Monica Hesse (@MonicaHesse) January 26, 2023
