Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 32 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband just voluntarily took out the trash and I think this might be how every harlequin romance story begins
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 8, 2021
My wife and I have entered into that part of the relationship where when she says "I need you" it means move the couch or kill a bug
— 🧙♂️Nostradadmass🧙♂️ (@bigpoppadrunk) October 8, 2021
I wanted to hire movers and my husband said no, but apparently I’m still being forced to help considering the dirty look I just got for sitting on the couch.
— Tiffany (@tiffany_pulfrey) October 8, 2021
79% of married life is wives asking husbands to close the windows
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 16, 2021
I hate it when my husband and I can’t agree on a show to watch because he refuses to fall asleep.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 14, 2021
We just reached the phase of marriage where I FaceTimed my husband from a work trip to show him “this super cute neighborhood” I was driving through.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 12, 2021
Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 8, 2021
me: *transitioning to a plant-based diet*
— 🦇 cella 🦇 (@cellapaz) October 9, 2021
husband: *just bites right into a giraffe*
Wife: I keep having nightmares that I’m in squid game
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 10, 2021
Me: but you haven’t actually seen squid game…
Wife: yes I know but my brain is inventing the plot based off of memes I’ve seen and doing a very frightening job
SPOUSE 1: *wakes up*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 15, 2021
SPOUSE 2: [already wide awake] good morning, here is a list of all the things you did in your sleep last night
son said he was bored so hubby made a game of vacuuming as much dog hair as he could with the cordless vac and he’s almost done the whole house…im married to a parenting wizard
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 16, 2021
My wife can't remember the password she changed yesterday, but she can remember everything I said at 2:54PM April 3, 2015.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 15, 2021
Y'ALL a neighbor knocked when my husband was home and asked to borrow our toilet plunger. Not only did my husband lend it, but SHE BROUGHT IT BACK AFTER USE AND HE ACCEPTED IT!!!!!!!
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 12, 2021
I'm gonna throw the whole husband in the trash with the plunger 🤢
I asked my husband what’s better; Easter candy or Halloween candy and he said, ‘it’s the same shit, just different colored wrappers”, and now I need a divorce attorney.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 15, 2021
Husband: you’re late
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 8, 2021
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Get married and have kids so your husband can judge you when he finds chip crumbs in the baby's hair.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) October 11, 2021
As soon as my wife finishes helping me cook, I’m going to surprise her with dinner.
— Adam (@YSylon) October 12, 2021
If by married you mean share debt and a roof, then yes I am married.
— Stace (@girl_a_whirl) October 14, 2021
my wife and i are sleeping in a full size bed at my grandparents house. it's great to know what sleeping in a double coffin is like.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 14, 2021
Wife: Why is the rum out?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 14, 2021
Me: [gesturing to kids]
I told you you would get sick if you ate that!!
— ThisOneSaysBOOO (@ThisOneSayz) October 15, 2021
~Things I say to my husband and my dog
I'll say it again louder, for those in the back*!
— Marloween (@Marlebean) October 14, 2021
*My husband who didn't listen the first time
Husband: Hey babe, wanna have sex?
— avian ink (@avianink) October 16, 2021
Me: Will there be snacks?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
— Crac⚡ked Wraith (@a_simpl_man) October 17, 2021
I’m not yelling, it’s just that the louder my voice is, the better my husband seems to understand what I’m saying.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 17, 2021
I never thought I’d have to worry about gray hair in my 30s. Then I got married and had kids and hahahaha hand me the Clairol
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 9, 2021
[In Bed]
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) October 18, 2021
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My husband says that “not terrible” is good enough for him, so congratulations to me I guess I’m not terrible
— Krysta ate all your candy (@krystaunclear) October 17, 2021
When my wife is sleeping I walk around the house like a ninja.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 18, 2021
When I'm sleeping my wife goes bowling in a bowling alley I didn't know we had.
My husband is surprised I broke into the Halloween candy already and now I’m wondering who he’s actually been married to all these years
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 11, 2021
No, I have a system…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 18, 2021
~Me when my wife notices I’ve screwed something up
Husband: *driving*
— Jawbreaker 🎃👻🍬 (@sixfootcandy) October 7, 2021
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Before You Go
