The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
I am at that age when “My Neck, My Back” ceases to be a sexy song and is instead a cry for help.
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) October 15, 2019
No one told me being an adult would involve this much worry about my trash pickup days.
— The Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 15, 2019
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
— Caroline Moss (@CarolineMoss) October 15, 2019
any time i update my phone or computer, it feels like we’re on a couples’ retreat & have to relearn how to love each other again
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 13, 2019
Thank you to the front desk guy at the resort who asked if I was checking in for the CEO conference even though I was dressed in a “Holy Shit I Love Tacos” t-shirt and I had my chubby poodle on a leash. You clearly see my potential.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) October 14, 2019
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 13, 2019
Age 38: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
gonna start an asmr channel that’s just me reading the dunkin donuts menu in a thick boston accent
— taylor garron (@casualafro) October 16, 2019
david attenborough narration: she stands next to the microwave, waiting for her leftover pasta to get hot. but what's this? she seems to have set the timer too long and its plastic tray is melting. no bother. she eats standing over the sink, her mouth burning, but her heart warm.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) October 16, 2019
me, before my first cup of coffee: ugh don’t talk to me
— grim monte 🖤☠️👻🎃 (@KimmyMonte) October 15, 2019
me, after 5 cups of coffee: (sweating) DO NOT TALK TO ME
You know when you take your sheets out of the dryer and the fitted sheet has eaten everything else. I like to whisper “take me instead” as I fish out the victims
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) October 15, 2019
i haven't remembered a new person's name since 2011
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) October 16, 2019
Sure sex is great, but have you ever recommended a book to someone who ends up really loving it?
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) October 16, 2019
how old are you in "oh they riced this new vegetable!" excitement levels in the premade section at trader joes
— the monster nash (@thenashleysays) October 16, 2019
I have a fantasy where I show up to a man’s house wearing nothing but a trench coat. I slowly unbutton it and slip it off, revealing another trench coat. This continues until the room is full of trench coats and we laugh and I go home and order Thai food.
— Mela (@mela_shea) October 14, 2019
This little girl on HGtV talking about how the prospective house is too small. Ma’am. You’re five.
— roxane gay (@rgay) October 17, 2019
Every $8 loaf of bread has a label like "ANCIENT grains, chips of STONE sourced from a defunct quarry, fragments of BONE from our family's ancestors, and millet--"
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 16, 2019
My friend and I were driving home the other night at what felt like well past midnight but the clock said 8:36PM and if that doesn’t sum up being in your forties I don’t know what does.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 15, 2019
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 15, 2019
I thought I was decorating cupcakes but really I was making an alignment chart pic.twitter.com/9DTuG8TVOU
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) October 14, 2019
Starting to believe that the people who don’t flinch in haunted houses must be dead inside.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) October 14, 2019
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