Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife's favorite spatula for I don't know...20 years broke on me this morning. Could I stay with you for just a couple of days?
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) November 15, 2021
My wife just lit her Yankee Christmas Cookie candle so I guess it’s really happening.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2021
If I “promise I won’t tell anyone” you should just assume that I am going to immediately tell my husband the next time I see him.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 14, 2021
If you don't whisper insults in a demonic voice to your husband over the baby monitor when he's trying to nap, what kind of crap wife are you anyways?!
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 9, 2021
The jack-o’-lanterns on my neighbor’s porch look like my wife and I twenty minutes into an argument about where to eat. pic.twitter.com/UXwo33AZhi
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 15, 2021
My husband’s idea of togetherness is making noise in any room I’m in.
— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) November 11, 2021
My husband eating pizza in bed over our new duvet cover shows he's really not scared of me anymore
— Natasha (@dramadelinquent) November 7, 2021
Welcome to marriage: You now have TV shows you aren’t allowed to watch without your spouse.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) November 10, 2021
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 11, 2021
Me: My eyes are up here.
Secret to a successful marriage is to wake up and be the first one to say, “I didn’t sleep well”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 13, 2021
I had to work late. In my absence, my husband went to the grocery store and is now cooking dinner.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 9, 2021
In light of this development, my new office hours are now extended until 7 pm every day.
I left my dog alone with my wife for 4 days! pic.twitter.com/sORXARtAYf
— wisdom of salomon (@jess_salomon) November 14, 2021
Honestly elated to be home fixing everything my wife broke while I was away because fixing things for people is my love language 🛠🥰
— lucy bexley🧣Preorder No Strings (avail. Jan 13) (@bexley_lucy) November 14, 2021
Could someone please feed my husband while I’m out of town? I can’t prove it, but I somehow know he has only eaten spoonfuls of peanut butter in the last 24 hours.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 11, 2021
My wife hates our new soft close drawers, being furious with me doesn't have the same effect.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) November 9, 2021
I fell asleep on my husband's chest last night and he complained that he could feel the vibrations in his chest from my snoring.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) November 7, 2021
What can I say, I'm a catch.
my husband said i looked like a bear waking up from hibernation so don’t tell me romance is dead ᵇᵘᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᵐᶦᵍʰᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵗᵉˡˡ ʰᶦᵐ
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 13, 2021
When I tell my husband I just need to get one or two things as we enter a shop, and he goes to get a trolley
— Natasha (@dramadelinquent) November 11, 2021
Marriage level: Expert
My wife and I are at the point where I just have to text her "Hey" and she'll text back "It's on the dresser."
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2021
I’m sorry for what I said when my husband put all my bras in the dryer
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 8, 2021
I couldn’t find my phone so I asked my husband to call it and after 30 minutes of looking we were able to find his phone.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 13, 2021
Wife: Our son has no work ethic.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 14, 2021
Me [on couch watching Netflix while my muted Zoom call continues on my laptop in the kitchen]: I don't know where he gets it.
On the first weekend of football season my husband brought in two extra TVs to our den and they just live here now. I’m watching Project Runway on the big TV and he has games muted on the other two TVs. Aesthetically it’s unattractive but we are deeply satisfied emotionally.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 12, 2021
Sorry you finally folded towels in thirds only for your wife to tell you, “we roll them now.”
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 7, 2021
