Couples who post mushy-gushy tributes to each other on social media give the rest of us a skewed idea of what marriage is actually like. These tweets will provide a much more accurate picture.
Sure, from time to time, you may gaze adoringly into your spouse’s eyes over a bottle of chardonnay. But far more often, you’ll find yourselves rejecting each other’s dinner suggestions, getting irrationally angry when your partner sneezes, and falling asleep any time you attempt to start a new Netflix show together.
Below, we’ve gathered 28 tweets that capture the married experience with both accuracy and humor.
I'm so married that when I ask my husband what kind of noods he wants tonight, he knows I'm talking about pasta.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) July 4, 2019
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 14, 2019
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
wife: I want you-
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) July 22, 2019
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
7% of divorces are caused by a husband clipping his nails while a wife gets everything ready for family day at the beach.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) June 30, 2019
*Arriving home at the end of the day*
— sophielou (@sophielou) July 17, 2019
Me: Hi handsome
Husband: Hi
Me: Sorry I was talking to the dog
Marriage, day 3836362726282
— Mom On The Rocks (@sah_nursemom) July 2, 2019
I now refuse to say “bless you” to my husband when he doesn’t take his allergy meds.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 16, 2019
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I don’t always pick out the wrong item when my wife sends me to the store but when I do I buy it in the mega-pack.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 18, 2019
[aliens invading our home]
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 12, 2019
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Get married if you want someone to say "irregardless" 27 times a day just to annoy you.
— FKA Wonder-Parent (@wonderparent007) July 9, 2019
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) July 17, 2019
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2019
Well it looks like the season of my wife and I arguing about sitting in the shade or sun in front of the hostess has officially begun!
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) May 26, 2019
My favorite sound in the world is my wife saying “I’m all done with my food, would you like the rest?”
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) July 18, 2019
My wife can sit on the couch for five straight hours during a Real Housewives marathon but will have to stop three times during a forty five minute car ride to pee.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 18, 2019
When my husband leaves the bathroom fan on, it's his cute little way of saying, you do NOT want to go in there.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) July 18, 2019
So no Janice, I don't think the romance is dead.
My husband just said "but you just ate," as if that was a reason to miss out on pizza.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 17, 2019
If your husband didn't just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling "I am Captain Mildew!" then you are not me.
— Cathryn 🏳️🌈 (@AngryRaccoon2) July 12, 2019
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) July 18, 2019
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 19, 2019
Husband : *snorts*
— FKA Wonder-Parent (@wonderparent007) July 17, 2019
Me:
H: *clears throat*
Me:
H: *snorts and clears throat 55 more times*
Me:
Husband: Why do you hate me?
“I left you the last piece of pizza so now you owe me a foot massage later.”
— avian ink (@avianink) June 13, 2019
~ married sexting
After all these years of marriage he finally referred to me as “your highness” so looks like we will make it another year
— sophielou (@sophielou) July 20, 2019
I don't know who needs to hear this but your spouse thinks they're more tired than you
— 🇺🇸Elisabeth🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) July 14, 2019
*never gets old*
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) May 21, 2019
*going through TSA*
My wife: We’re together.
Me: I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.
Wife: Can you take the Brussels sprouts out of the oven?
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 15, 2019
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Marriage teaches you when your wife asks you which shoes look better, simply picking one won't do, you must present at least two concise, legitimate reasons.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 7, 2019
I like to say my husband and I saved each other from the harsh dating world, but frankly I think we’ve saved the dating world from the two of us.
— She Writes Good (@GoodSheWrites) July 11, 2019