Owning a white couch. Wearing designer clothing. Keeping your car clean. These are things that cannot happen when you bring little tornados — aka children — into your life.
The funny parents of Twitter certainly know this to be true, as they often share tales of their kids’ epic spills and destruction.
Below, we’ve rounded up 60 funny tweets that explain why parents can’t have nice things. Enjoy!
For Father's Day my kids spilled me breakfast in bed.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 21, 2015
Cop: *arrives at my house* woah the burglars completely wrecked this place
— The Dad (@thedad) March 19, 2020
Me, holding my toddler: the burglary was next door
*points to yogurt my 5 yr old spilled on the couch*
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 12, 2017
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
*storms away, trips over my purse and spills wine*
Did you know that 2 cups of Rice Krispies can cover an area of over 5 feet? Did you also know that the Krispies can be spilled & crushed in the time it takes an adult woman to pee?
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 25, 2018
I do. Now.
When it comes down to it, parenting is basically snuggling and slowly watching everything you've ever owned be destroyed.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 19, 2014
If your house doesn’t look like it was hit by a tornado during an earthquake, then I question whether you really have kids.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014
Optimists see the cup half-full.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2020
Pessimists see the cup half-empty.
Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor.
A three step guide to parenting:
— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 29, 2016
See beautiful white couch
Remember your life
Buy wine instead
One of our kids spilled a container of glitter so now we have to move
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 9, 2019
Last night my kids left the van door open which ended up doing me a favor, because instead of having to clean up 30 spilled potato chips, all I had to pick up was 1 squirrel turd.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 24, 2019
With burglaries on the rise, I feel it’s my duty to let y’all know my kids destroyed any valuables I may have had long ago.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 21, 2019
a constant war in my head is wondering if I should find out why the kids are quiet vs letting them continue making a mess because they’re leaving me alone
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 19, 2021
My 8yo shattered my ipad. My toddler pissed on my couch. My daughter bit my nipple so hard my face hurts. I'm drinking all the beer.
— Courtney (@Discourt) September 5, 2012
My 4yo grabbed the egg off my egg and cheese sandwich, put it on her plate, took a bite of it and then grabbed the rest in her hand, squeezed it shut and handed it back to me saying she didn’t want it anymore. And this... THIS, is why I can’t have nice things.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 2, 2020
6-year-old: My room is clean.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2020
Me: It's a disaster.
6: It's clean if you don't look at it.
Schrödinger's mess.
Oh look, a room we haven’t completely destroyed yet.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 31, 2017
-Kids on Christmas break.
I've come to grips with the fact that I have some kid-related stain or glitter on everything I own.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 28, 2015
The baby spilled my Bloody Mary all over the carpet and now I have to get it replaced...
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) August 16, 2015
Anyone know where I can find a decent baby?
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms. Sorry we completely wrecked the house trying to make it special for you.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 10, 2020
Childless friend: Dude our cat is so destructive. It’s gonna ruin our couch someday
— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2018
Me pulling a bag of flour and shattered iPad out of the dryer: Oh wow sorry to hear that man
A typical cup holds about 8 ounces of liquid.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 13, 2020
But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
Me: What happened, you spilled your juice?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2017
2yo: Yeah.
Me: It's ok, was it an accident?
2yo: No.
Me: Aw, ok let's clean it- wait. what?
You don't know fear until your see your 7 yo eating a blue popsicle on someone else's white sofa.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 9, 2016
I moved the toilet paper so my 1-year-old couldn't grab it
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2016
Instead she tore the empty toilet paper holder off the wall
Nature finds a way
I just got asked if I’m enjoying my “vacation from work” being a SAHM. Why just a little bit ago I pulled a toy from the toilet while the gentle waves of sewer water lapped around my arm and spilled ever so gently onto my feet. Much like the beach, In hell.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 9, 2019
Hey, did you know that tornadoes are unpredictable? They often show up suddenly, and can change direction on a dime, so there’s very little time to prepare for the chaos. And, of course, they destroy EVERYTHING.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 10, 2019
Anyway I think my 3 year old may be part tornado somebody help
11 dirty cups, two time-outs, 3 fights broken up, one sword confiscated, & a bowl of soup spilled on the rug.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 19, 2017
IT'S ONLY 9:15am, PEOPLE.
A totally logical thing about parenting is when you find yourself consoling a child who is hysterically crying because they spilled their drink all over your furniture.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 18, 2019
toddler: can I play with bubbles?
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 7, 2019
me: no, last time you spilled it
toddler: I'm not gonna spill it
Narrator: the toddler spilled all of it instantly, again
Kids: *break toy*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 29, 2020
Me: This is why we can’t have nice things.
...
Me: That’s wikkity wikkity whack.
Kids: This is why we can’t have people over.
Without kids I would have never known the joy of cleaning a spilled bottle of glue out of a backpack at 6 AM.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 15, 2017
Me: Clean up.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2020
4-year-old: Why?
Me: You made a mess.
4: But that part was fun.
My dearest children: You are the reason I wake up every morning. The reason I breathe. And most importantly, the reason we can't have nice things.
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) May 25, 2020
I set my kids up with mugs of hot chocolate over a white carpet so I, too, like to live dangerously.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) February 23, 2020
A heads up that if you're toddler comes into the room and says "mommy nothing happened", something definitely fucking happened. Hopefully you're kids a self-snitch like mine and also immediately shows you what he broke
— amil (@amil) July 13, 2020
90% of the clean things in my house are only that way because I had to wipe them down after my kids spilled something.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 17, 2019
[parents on the phone]
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 12, 2019
It's going ok PLEASE DON'T LICK HER idk if we'll be able to WHO SPILLED WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR go eat lunch with you GET OFF THE TABLE i'll txt you later OMG IS THIS POOP?! bye.
My childless friend extended her child raising tips to me so I let the toddler skip his nap, sugared them all up and headed to her white furniture home armed with red kool-aid pouches, Kidz Bop and slime.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 2, 2019
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that in 2012 my 3y.o. secretly ate her way through three of her sibling’s chocolate Advent calendars... then stole the toothpaste to “clean off the chocolate.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 8, 2020
She’s 11 & we still can’t have nice things like chocolate calendars. pic.twitter.com/qVDCCpjFgN
That's a mom for you. Kids looking cute as they wanna be & you look down to see a giant stain on your shirt & chipped nail polish ;/
— Reagan Gomez (@ReaganGomez) October 21, 2010
Every time I see a “FOR SALE” sign in front of a house I just assume that a kid in there spilled glitter on the carpet.
— The Dad (@thedad) June 5, 2018
Dear "Influencers,"
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) May 28, 2020
If you're a Mom and have a white couch, carpet or shirt, I'm out.
You clearly are not my people.
Not to brag, but my kids are able to demonstrate at least two definitions of the word "broke" on a daily basis.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 15, 2018
My son just rode his scooter into the family room & onto my white carpet.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 30, 2015
School cannot reopen soon enough.
Wife: *watching 4-year-old* I think she's sick.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2020
Me: How can you tell?
Wife: She hasn't destroyed anything all day.
Me: *calls the doctor*
Kid: *slides through spilled juice*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 13, 2019
*walks over legos*
*jumps over a pile of toys*
*steps on scattered crayons*
“Mom, what are my chores today?”
"Mom, have you lost weight?" is teenager for "I broke something really expensive that you don't know about yet."
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 4, 2020
The 2 year old dumped 4 loads of folded laundry. Just like that, I'm 5 and someone wrecked my Lego tower.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 4, 2014
You might say the area rug in my living room is dirty.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 28, 2018
I might say it's an *off-white color.
*Been wrecked by my kids.
Pro tip: smelling the brown stain on kids clothing to determine if it's chocolate is never a good idea.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) October 12, 2016
Our iPad’s screen shattered today, so I guess our kids are orphans now.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 5, 2019
Hot pink nail polish + four year old + white carpet = my Monday
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) March 19, 2012
Can't wait to decorate the Christmas tree as a family, let's see if we can break last year's record of 4 shattered ornaments, 5 sibling fights, and 1 nervous breakdown from my wife that all the ornaments are bunched up at the bottom
— The Dad (@thedad) December 15, 2019
They say we can't go to the zoo. Or the movies. Or the park. They say we can't do anything we normally do, so we baked cookies as a family. The kids spilled half the batter. I used salt instead of sugar. My wife burned them. We all blamed each other, and things feel normal again.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 21, 2020
Me: *arrives at Thanksgiving with my hair on point and kids dressed in new outfits*
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 24, 2017
[4 hours later]
Me: *sitting on couch being climbed on by 3 kids with gravy spilled on their shirts and a slice of turkey in my hair*
My Mom: Let's get a family picture!
"Mommy, there's a leak in our house" is code for "I spilled my pineapple+apple+kale+spinach+ginger+lemon smoothie on the white carpet."
— Titania Jordan (@titaniajordan) February 11, 2014
Just remember, no matter how bad your day is going, there are some parents out there with white furniture
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 1, 2020
My toddler just ripped a leg off of her Barbie doll and then used it as a baseball bat and that is cooler than anything I did at work today.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 10, 2018
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2016
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Cook for your kids and they'll eat and not help clean up.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 27, 2020
Teach your kids to cook and they'll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.