"Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are 'apple button jeans, boots with the brrr' and then he does a little shiver"
"I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)"
"I sure have a lot of opinions about cooking shows for someone who's eating a paw patrol string cheese for breakfast"
"Teens be like, 'You know that crumpled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.'”
"A kids version of the 'Saw' movie but they can only escape by eating a sandwich with the crusts on."
"Toddlers be like, 'Excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt.'"
"My kid is asking me questions like 'what is ethics,' and I just want to rewind to the 'do mermaids know what pants are' stage because it was easier."
"My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli."
"I’m not saying parenting is hard. I’m just saying I was a lot better at it before I had kids."
"On my son’s birthday each year, I like to think back to 2017 when Carvel wrote 'Happy 2th Birthday' on his cake"