Best Parenting Tweets

"I’m roasting garlic in the oven. My 13 year old thinks it smells like weed. I can relax now, confident that my youngest child has never smoked weed."
"Not to brag or anything, but I can cause a tantrum just by giving my kid exactly what he asked for."
"Do you think bread crusts are sad that kids hate them?"
"Our cousin lives in Jupiter, Florida so you can imagine my 8yo’s disappointment once we arrived."
"I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar."
"My 5 year old son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today."
"My daughter brought a giant stack of plates and cups out of her room, saw that I was annoyed, and said 'should we just throw these away?'"
"My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds"
"Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has 'ruined his life's plans.'"
"My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night."