"Grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings."
"Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day."
"Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers"
"My kids’ superpower is using 24 different cups in a day to drink 3 cups of water."
"If you’re not 12 hours early then are you even going to the movies, airport, party, or show with a dad?"
"Welcome to parenting. You have now become Kid’s Name’s Mom in everyone’s phone."
"Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids."
"My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us."
"I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best."
"'This could’ve been an email' — me at my daughter’s recital."