"I wish I loved anything as much as my husband loves asking me questions he could easily Google."
"I used the old 'I gave birth to you' on my daughter, she said 'That was one time.'"
"i think i’ll find the cure for depression in the knick knack section of a thrift store"
"Engaging in marital warfare by loudly stirring my yogurt in a glass jar to retaliate against my husband for offensively slurping his cereal."
"On my son’s birthday each year, I like to think back to 2017 when Carvel wrote 'Happy 2th Birthday' on his cake"
"My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children"
"Life with astigmatism is more romantic because every light is a twinkle light."
"1st kid: Has 21 pictures of baby blinking. 2nd kid: Has one blurry picture of graduation day."
"My 9yo just told me: 'Thank you, Catherine Obvious.' I’m not correcting her."
"Why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco."