Tweets Of The Week

"no thoughts november. i will not be doing any more thinking"
"Moms be like, 'Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.'"
"The adult version of 'head, shoulders, knees and toes' is 'wallet, glasses, keys and phone.'"
"call me humpty dumpty the way I am having a great fall"
"(Flirting) if i was murdered would u solve my case?"
“'you already told that story' oh so you hate recycling"
"My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli."
"need to eat a cosmic brownie rn i want to feel like i’m eating radioactive plastic"
"the VMAs are funny when you realize they’re all these celebrities are crammed inside Newark, NJ"