"Live with a beginner violin student so your house constantly sounds like a horror film."
"My cat must think I’m so dumb considering how often I sing to him about the fact that he is a cat."
"What wine pairs well with Common Core math?"
"In England 'booster shot' is spelled 'borchestershire shot'"
"Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form"
"Never trust anyone who doesn’t think their dog is the best dog."
"married sext: my headache is going away"
"Excuse me while I overthink this and get back to you."
"i love when my cat purrs for no reason. she’s just happy to be here."
"Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers"