"A good line for trying to get out of Thanksgiving dinner is 'why do you want to murder me?'"
"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?"
"If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog."
"I think the best part of getting a third cat is the amount of men that’ll be scared away."
"My daughter isn’t even sure why she’s throwing a tantrum but she’s pretty sure it will help."
"I went ahead and put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Now I can put all the presents my husband didn't know he bought for me under there."
"Now my cat's meowing for dinner because she still hasn't adjusted to standard time."
“Pants = ‘leg prisons’ to our oldest.'"
“If you want to know how it’s going I just filled the cat’s food bowl with ground coffee and then started to put cat food in the coffee filter.”
"*chugging coffee while trying to figure out what’s causing my anxiety.*"