Funny Tweets

"A good line for trying to get out of Thanksgiving dinner is 'why do you want to murder me?'"
"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?"
"If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog."
"I think the best part of getting a third cat is the amount of men that’ll be scared away."
"My daughter isn’t even sure why she’s throwing a tantrum but she’s pretty sure it will help."
"I went ahead and put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Now I can put all the presents my husband didn't know he bought for me under there."
"Now my cat's meowing for dinner because she still hasn't adjusted to standard time."
“If you want to know how it’s going I just filled the cat’s food bowl with ground coffee and then started to put cat food in the coffee filter.”
"*chugging coffee while trying to figure out what’s causing my anxiety.*"