Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
When I first started dating my husband we would FaceTime each other from our offices and just work in silence for several hours at a time because we didn't want to be apart and now I make him leave the room if he sneezes while I'm trying to concentrate.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 17, 2024
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
— J. Courtney Sullivan (@jcourtsull) April 20, 2024
You're not really married until one of you shares your idea for an invention and the other one shoots it down in cold blood.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 19, 2024
My husband is eating potato chips super loud so I guess we’re arguing now.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 19, 2024
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn't want them to see this mess.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) April 17, 2024
If my wife and I did a cooking show it would just be her telling me I'm in the way.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 17, 2024
My husband asked if I’d like to go do something fun & of course I said yes.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 20, 2024
Then he said, “let’s go to Lowe’s & look at refrigerators” & now I know we’re not on the same page anymore.
My husband asked if I could swing by Costco on a Saturday, so he's either gone insane or mad at me about something.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 20, 2024
I sent my husband away for the night. I can’t have him here while I listen to The Tortured Poets Department.
— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) April 19, 2024
A mugging but it’s just my husband finally bringing 9 dirty coffee cups downstairs
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 20, 2024
We have 10 minutes until we have to leave the house, and that’s when my husband decides he wants to discuss how we need to rent a steam cleaner for the basement carpet.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) April 20, 2024
Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2024
My husband CANNOT say Star Trek correctly, (he says Star Track) and I now realize that I wish I had known this when we were dating.
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) April 17, 2024
[Wife comes home from hair salon]
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 22, 2024
Me: Your hair looks great! Did you also change the color?
9yo [From her bedroom upstairs]: OMG! She got her eyebrows done!
I don't have a single gray hair yet. I'm not bragging, I'm shocked considering all the antics my husband and kids regularly put me through.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 22, 2024
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
— Han Solo Cup (@paminski) April 21, 2024
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess whose vacation clothes are in a tree right now
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 19, 2024
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 17, 2024
Tortured Spouse of a Swiftie Department
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 19, 2024
Judge: Grounds for divorce?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 18, 2024
Me: He slurped a bowl of cereal WHILE listening to a work meeting on speaker.
Judge: *bangs gavel* Granted.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.