âAre you pregnant?â a random stranger asked me. I was among friends, sans cocktail, in a New York City bar. It was 2017, and I was one week into my first Dry January (read: thirty-one days without wine, beer or spirits).
I stood in the dimly lit bar, stunned and slowly gazing at the faces around me. I had just turned down a drink, and now I was being asked about the state of my uterus. In what other setting, I wondered, would someone I donât know have the audacity to ask me that? I gave an awkward, closed-mouth smile and replied, âActually, Iâm doing a Dry January.â I turned on my heels to signal that the conversation was over.
Since my first year participating in Dry January, Iâve kept the tradition alive. Each year Iâve been asked a number of questions â mostly polite queries, but also some that are flat-out rude â about my monthlong abstinence. (I wrote about how I tackle impromptu feedback in my book âThe Dry Challenge: How to Lose the Booze for Dry January, Sober October, and Any Other Alcohol-Free Month,â a nonjudgmental guide about giving up alcohol for 29 to 31 days.)
I understand not everyone is being judgmental or trying to offend, but even with the best intentions, spectatorsâ comments can come across as impolite. Here are some remarks that experts (and yours truly) advise you to keep to yourself â for the sake of etiquette, practicing inclusivity, and, ya know, being kind. (Cheers to that.)
âCanât you have just one drink?â
Some people do participate in a one-drink January, but thatâs a choice for the individual, and not one that should be induced by peer pressure.
âThis comment disrespects a personâs decision to abstain from alcohol, and suggests they are incapable of limiting themselves when drinking,â said Laura Caruso, a dating and relationship therapist in New York.
A similar question might be âAre you going to stop drinking forever or just a month?â said April Brown, a licensed therapist based in South Florida. âThis subconsciously sends the message to the participant that you are not supportive of their decision.â
âDo you have a problem?â
Dry January, or participation in any other alcohol-free month, is not a replacement for Alcoholics Anonymous or recovery programs.
âLately, Iâm seeing more people opt to participate in Dry January or abstain from alcohol as a general lifestyle choice, not because they struggle with alcohol,â Caruso said.
Melissa Wood-Tepperberg, founder of the wellness platform MWH, often gets asked about her choice not to drink.
âI genuinely see a wave of change happening when it comes to the culture of drinking,â she said. âIâd like to hope that we are moving away from a culture where we just assume that everyone consumes alcohol because it is a norm.â
âWhat an accomplishment!â
Wood-Tepperberg notes that alcohol is the one drug people have to offer an explanation for not using.
âI also hear a lot that itâs an âaccomplishment,ââ she said. âItâs something I am open about and am personally happy to share about, but grouping it as an accomplishment implies those who donât choose this are doing something wrong.â
âHow are you going to de-stress without alcohol?â
For me: exercise, sleep, socializing with friends and taking a walk. And because I usually have an answer ready, this question perplexes me.
âSaying something like this subconsciously states that you believe their only adequate coping mechanism is alcohol,â Brown said. âIt disregards the option that the participant has other coping mechanisms for stress, which can have a strong impact on the participantâs view of themselves and how they believe they cope with stress.â
âDo you miss alcohol?â
Before my first Dry January, I wondered if I would miss drinking.
âA decision to abstain from alcohol is not an easy decision to make in modern-day society,â Caruso said. âAmerican culture glorifies drinking, so opting for sobriety as everyone around you continues to consume alcohol is incredibly challenging.â
Another truth: Once I got past the messaging that âalcohol = fun,â I quickly realized that I didnât miss buying expensive drinks or feeling nauseated later on in the evening. I certainly did not miss the feeling of a hangover or a pounding headache the next day. Some of the things I thought Iâd be missing out on â including fun times with friends and a normal dating life â were still available to me without alcohol. (That said, explaining this can get tiresome to people who donât want to accept my experiences as true.)
How to support friends doing Dry January
Do you want to support someone whoâs participating in Dry January? Instead of asking targeted and potentially triggering questions, you can simply ask: âHow can I support your dry month?â
Brown suggests involving Dry Jan participants in get-togethers, like normal. âContinue to actively involve them in social plans and donât assume that just because they are not drinking for a while that they donât want to go out.â
If youâre going to a bar, check to see if they have nonalcoholic options on the menu. When youâre hosting, have something available that everyone can drink.
âTry to provide options,â Wood-Tepperberg said. âThere are so many nonalcoholic beverages. Having them readily available can help normalize anyoneâs individual choices.â
Need help with substance use disorder or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.