Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Just over heard my husband telling the dog that he wants nothing more in life than to pet him, so I guess that was 16 years and three kids well spent
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 1, 2024
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024
My husband just referred to the Wonka Experience as "Fyre Festival for children."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 3, 2024
Please don't write happily married in your social media bio. Be realistic. "I have a spouse and they like me well enough."
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 2, 2024
It's early in the year but I'm already anxious about my husband getting his Spotify Wrapped and asking me who has been getting high and listening to "If We Hold On Together" from "The Land Before Time" sung by Diana Ross so many times.
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) February 27, 2024
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
— Hereward the Woke (@BamaExpat) February 28, 2024
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 2, 2024
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Wife: We need to talk
— N.J. Gallegos wakes up and chooses violence (@DrSpooky_ER) March 3, 2024
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
husband: how was your day
— T (@trinawatters) February 27, 2024
me showing him the Twitter research I’ve done on Kate Middleton’s whereabouts since December of last year pic.twitter.com/WXphrsc96x
Husband: Why are your hands bleeding?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 29, 2024
*flashback to me struggling to open a pistachio for 20 minutes*
Me: I’m learning how to play guitar.
Wife: Babe, why in the world are the windows open?
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) March 3, 2024
Me: It's spring!
Wife: It's 49 degrees!
Me: You're right — I should open more windows.
Husband: I thought you said you had therapy.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 4, 2024
Me: Yes?
Husband: You’re parked in the driveway listening to a book and scrolling your phone.
Me: And I have 23 minutes left in my session.
When my mother-in-law came to stay, she insisted we NOT change our regular routine for her. We obliged, but naked Saturday was a pretty awkward.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) March 3, 2024
My husband called me from upstairs because he needed tp and what did we do before cell phones
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 3, 2024
Almost made it to the end of February before my wife made the first mention of what we could gift people for Christmas this year. Maybe next year will be the year we make it to March
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 1, 2024
my wife: you put more time and energy into our son’s little league team than you do our marriage.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 27, 2024
me: well yeah our marriage doesn’t end in a championship tournament.
My husband just said he's going to take a shower so I told him I hope he showers off his bad attitude*.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 2, 2024
*I got a new sweatshirt and put it on and asked if I look cute and he said "well, it sure is a sweatshirt!" which is obviously not the right answer and he needs to do better.
According to my husband he's the only person on the road who knows how to drive. The eye-roll is implied.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) March 4, 2024
wife: [stressed and busy]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 28, 2024
me: [not working] let me help and I can do the grocery shopping
wife: I don't want you to do that.
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