Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
husband: so, do you understand this Kate Middleton thing
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 15, 2024
me, eyes wide with excitement to finally deliver my thesis statement: ok, listen up
Husband: I think I'll go clean the garage.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) March 16, 2024
Me: Say more sexy things like that.
Going to surprise my wife and kids with a little Saturday shopping trip, hope they like buying mulch.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 14, 2024
Before I got married no one warned me about what it might be like to live with someone who uses an incredibly loud electric toothbrush for 20 minutes each day omg please help I need marriage counseling and maybe a second house
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 17, 2024
Me: What's for dinner?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 12, 2024
Wife: I’m making a cauliflower tacos and-
Me: [already at McDonald's]
Accidentally used my mother-in-law’s hand lotion and now I can’t stop sayin, “but that’s just not the way I was raised.”
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 13, 2024
My husband & I have ZERO kids home tonight. What do we do?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 15, 2024
Go to Costco.
I was out of town this weekend and my husband stayed home. You would think he played golf or went out but no, my man restarted Game of Thrones. I asked how far he got thinking maybe season 1 and he said season 5 episode 3. Friends, I was gone 72 hours and he watched tv for 43.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 18, 2024
when I met my husband, I said I lived in Brooklyn even though I actually lived in Connecticut, and he said he lived in Brooklyn even though he was really just visiting from Minnesota. But against all odds we came together bc we shared a fundamental value. Lying
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 12, 2024
One day you’re young and carefree and the next you find yourself complaining to your husband that you think Land o’ Lakes changed their American cheese recipe because it just doesn’t easily peel apart the way it used to.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 14, 2024
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 12, 2024
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Thoughts and prayers for our kids dentist who told my wife to calm down this morning.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 14, 2024
My husband uses my phone to watch tiktok and then he texts himself videos so he can text them back to me from his phone if he finds one he wants me to see and it's total chaos.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 18, 2024
I'm not saying "Anatomy of a Fall" affected me but I did text my husband twice today to tell him that I cleaned the bathtub and then later the kitchen floor and not to slip and fall because I don't want to be put on trial.
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) March 17, 2024
I don’t know why she doesn’t like me says my husband running menacingly at the cat.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) March 12, 2024
Had a dream that my husband brought a snake inside to show the kids and it got loose, so now we have to sell the house
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 18, 2024
My husband does this adorable little thing when he tells me I don’t have to take a picture of our parking spot because he’ll remember where we’re parked, and then we spend 20 mins trying to remember where he parked.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 14, 2024
The best detectives in the world are wives. There, I said it.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 13, 2024
I wished my husband a "Happy Anniversary" (not our anniversary) and his split second of panic before calculating the correct date was just delightful
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 14, 2024
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, "ah yes, that's why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore"
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) March 14, 2024
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