Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
my husband thinks he’s easy-going but also just complained that he has to use two hands because the toilet paper is hard to rip
— nika (@nikalamity) March 6, 2024
My husband thinks he knows how to argue with me because he is a lawyer but what he fails to account for is the fact that I am insane and cannot be reasoned with
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) March 7, 2024
There's a coffee shop I go to several times a week. My husband goes to it once a month. Today we went together and they knew his order and started making it before he even said hi and then they looked at me like they had never seen me in their lives.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 10, 2024
I'm just the backup dancer.
Stages of marriage:
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) March 5, 2024
1. Get married
2. WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD
3. Get divorced
It's sad when our families don't appreciate all the things we moms do for them. For instance, my husband has not once thanked me today for providing him with up-to-the-minute coverage on the Kensington Palace photo conspiracy.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) March 10, 2024
wife: you should go move the clocks
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 10, 2024
me: no problem
[three hours later]
wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?
Having a wife and daughters means there's an 80% chance that any flat surface in your house has a hair tie on it.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 7, 2024
Wife: You can pick out the movie for tonight because it’s your birthday but no zombie shit.
— N.J. Gallegos wakes up and chooses violence (@DrSpooky_ER) March 10, 2024
What’s even the point
I married the perfect man though because every time the kids have tried to stampede into the living room tonight he has intercepted them and sent them away and I just heard him say “Your mother is watching the Oscars LET HER HAVE HER ONE THING.”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 11, 2024
Me: *coughs*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 6, 2024
*coughs again*
Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) March 7, 2024
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I married someone who doesn't laugh at the movie Airplane so don't talk to me about heartbreak.
— live.laugh.toasterbath. (@KissabiX) March 7, 2024
Introduced a new band to the hubs only for him to tell his co-workers he just discovered a new band…on the phone w/ a divorce lawyer as we speak
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 11, 2024
The CDC now recommends the wife pick the restaurant.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 8, 2024
Probably the saddest part of being a grownup is deciding with your wife that an air fryer will be your birthday gift to each other.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 8, 2024
Do I believe in gender roles? No. Do I believe in my right to say “don’t you worry your pretty little head, darlin’” after killing a roach bc my husband is afraid of them? Very much yes.
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) March 7, 2024
When we pack for a trip my wife basically moves out.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 9, 2024
Me: *making a turkey sandwich and carefully cutting off the crust*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 8, 2024
Husband: It’s ok, hun. I’ll eat the crust.
Me: This is for the dog.
Husband: Of course it is.
My husband is very good at putting washing IN the washing machine
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) March 9, 2024
The range of time between my wife saying "Why did you wake me up so early" and "Why did you let me sleep so late" is 7.5 minutes.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 6, 2024
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