Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife: You should pluck that white hair on your beard.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 3, 2024
Me: How else will I remember you throughout the day?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 1, 2024
It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2024
My husband can’t pronounce “Caramel” correctly, but can easily pronounce every name, planet, creature, language, and ship in the Star Wars universe.
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) May 5, 2024
Wife said she’ll be ready in a minute so that gives me time pressure wash my house and watch the movie “Titanic”
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) May 5, 2024
My wife needs constant attention and to be left alone at the same time.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) May 4, 2024
My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 4, 2024
I'm doing a half Ironman tomorrow (what no way you are so amazing eli we worship you) and I'm going to try to do a better job smiling this year because last year my disappointed husband scolded me because "I could have gotten a really nice picture if you didn't look so pained."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 3, 2024
Wife: Why are you playing Limp Bizkit so loud?
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky 👻💉💊 (@DrSpooky_ER) May 2, 2024
Me, rolling my eyes and turning the volume down: Because everything is fucked and everybody sucks, babe.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) May 1, 2024
My wife called Froot Loops "flamboyant Cheerios" and she's not wrong.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) May 3, 2024
Wife and I jogging on treadmills at the hotel gym:
— fundy (@funderlaw) May 3, 2024
Wife, “I’m so excited about seeing Ed Sheeran tonight.”
Me, motioning with my head towards the hip, red-headed, tattooed guy running on the treadmill next to her, “Or maybe sooner?”
(Wife falls off treadmill).
My husband is getting a pedicure with my sister and he just texted me to ask me to bring his Birkenstocks because he's ready for a shoe change. In case you're wondering what the Gay Agenda is up today.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 3, 2024
My husband & I finally got away for a weekend & he tweaked his back. I had to help him out of bed this morning like he was an 85 year old man.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 4, 2024
Yes, this is exactly what I had envisioned.
hmm... new thing where greg angrily mutters to himself, "my wife's FACE is EXPLODING" every time i sneeze...
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 5, 2024
I was just about to do that.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 5, 2024
-Me anytime my wife empties the dishwasher, folds laundry, vacuums the floors, cleans the kitchen....
I complained about the cheese puff bag making my hand orange so my wife took scissors, cut the top off and when I was done put a chip clip on it like some sort of wizard pic.twitter.com/CiNfukYyHz
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) April 30, 2024
My wife is now growing tomatoes.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 3, 2024
She's growing them in a pink plastic ass pool. Wtf is happening and do I file for divorce now?
My wife and I yelled “slow down!” at someone driving way too fast in the neighborhood and AARP cards immediately appeared in our pockets
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 6, 2024
Made a cooked breakfast this morning. My daughter didn’t eat her mushrooms and my husband didn’t eat his eggs. But that’s ok.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) May 4, 2024
In related news there’s an opening for one daughter who likes mushrooms and another for one husband who likes eggs.
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