68 Funny Inspirational Quotes

Whether reading through funny inspirational quotes about work or others concerning romance, friendship and family life, there’s just something about the universality of the human experience that tugs at the senses — which is why our list of funny inspirational quotes is meant to delight, amuse and entertain while also reminding you that, after all, we’re all the same.

From former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Margaret Thatcher to iconic baseball star Yogi Berra and the always-hilarious actor Bill Murray, folks from across the cultural and political spectrum have uttered words that still resonate with us today, sometimes decades after their first pronouncement. Why not catch up on their wise words every so often?

Pro advice: don’t only read through these when you need a pick-me-up but, perhaps, indulge in a little laugh-out-loud session even when you’re already in a good mood, because there’s nothing like doubling down on happiness.

• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde
• “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” - Golda Meir
• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey
• “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.” - Joe Girard
• “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” - Groucho Marx
• “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” - Robert Benchley
• “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” - Albert Einstein
• “The best revenge is massive success.” - Frank Sinatra
• “I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms.” - Michael Scott (The Office)
• “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” - Dolly Parton
• “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” - Fran Lebowitz
• “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” - Phyllis Diller
• “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” - Ellen DeGeneres
• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” - Elbert Hubbard

• “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” - Margaret Thatcher
• “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar
• “Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.” - Harry Emerson Fosdick
• “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” - George Carlin
• “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” - Dave Barry
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” - Theodor Rosyfelt
• “Bad decisions make good stories.” - Ellis Vidler
• “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” - Phyllis Diller
• “It ain’t over til it’s over.” - Yogi Berra

• “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” - Graham Norton
• “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” - Bill Murray
• “When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” - Ron White
• “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” - Reba McEntire
• “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” - Oscar Wilde
• “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” - Lucille Ball
• “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill
• “Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.” - Dick Van Dyke
• “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” - Bryan White
• “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day.” - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” - Norman Wisdom

• “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” - Mark Twain
• “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” - George Carlin
• “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” - Mike Bechtle
• “You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.” - Ethel Barrymore
• “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” - Judith Martin
• “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” - Shirley MacLaine
• “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” - Steven Wright
• “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” - Charlie Brown
• “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” - Sophia Petrillo
• “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” - Tom Lehrer
• “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” - James Branch Cabell
• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” - Mark Twain

• “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” - Benjamin Franklin
• “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” - Will Rogers
• “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” - Jason Love
• “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” - Charles Schulz
• “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” - Ouiser Boudreaux
• “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” - Billie Burke
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” - Mae Wes
• “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” - Rose Nylund
• “A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey.” - Dolly Parton

• “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” - Elvis Presley
• “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” - Thomas Edison
• “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” - Louis Agassiz
• “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” - Robert Orben
• “It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
• “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” - Vince Lombardi
• “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” - Franklin P. Jones
• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” - John Gotti
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.” - Dalai Lama
• “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” - Oscar Wilde
• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost
• “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” - Bo Derek
• “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” - Paula Poundstone