When The Pediatrician's Office Becomes A Confessional

“I have something I need to admit to you,” a mom of a six month old says to me. “I’m very embarrassed to tell you this,” she continues. I’m waiting for some crazy ending to this but it ends simply with, “I use pouches for baby food.” Of course, I quickly reassured her that this was completely fine and that I myself have grabbed Ella’s Kitchen right off the shelves and had no problems feeding all three of my sons packaged organic baby food!

I wish I could say conversations like this were rare but sadly, they are very common. It seems like at least one mom or dad a day comes in and starts their baby’s appointment by confessing their “heinous” crimes such as letting their child watch TV on an airplane or letting their child play in the sandbox. In an extreme case one mother confessed that she was formula feeding but was lying and telling her friends she was breastfeeding due to harsh judgment often received in their circle of friends on the topic. In this case my best medical advice was to tell her to find new friends! We have all been there; and we’d lying if we say we haven’t. Nonetheless, the pediatrician is where confessional starts these days! I listen and don’t judge, as do many of my fellow physician peers. Our offices are the safe zone to admit real struggles and overcome them together for the health and well-being of your baby. But let’s get real – shaming exists and we understand.

The confession that upset me the most recently was when a new mom called to tell me she felt depressed and needed help. She then said the words that broke my heart, “I feel so ashamed.” Ashamed that she wasn’t seamlessly transitioning to the hardest job in the world, becoming a new parent only a few weeks after having a c-section (which FYI is major abdominal surgery.)

How has our culture become one in which parents live in constant fear of keeping up with some imaginary “right” way to parent? Worse, is that people feel ashamed to show anything but happiness and feel the need to make it seem like they can effortlessly handle everything without so much of a bat of an eye lash let alone a tear or heaven forbid a meltdown. Case in point – Facebook! Instagram! Gorgeous documentation of the good times and a channel that rarely shows the bad times. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t get some reminder that I’m not parenting “right.” There are so many spoofs about this that I know I’m not the only one feeling the pressure to keep up with the parenting joneses.

I confess! As a mom of three and a pediatrician, I will shout it from the rooftops, “Parenting is really hard!” It’s complete with the entire gamut of emotions. The elated highs of watching my five year old jump off the diving board for the first time and the horrifying sadness that I faced in the months after he was born when I was practically debilitated from postpartum anxiety.

The good news is: it’s pretty hard to mess up parenting without intentionally trying to do so. Children are very resilient, which is part of why I love being a pediatrician.

Here’s the truth as I see it. There is NO right way to parent. Consider for a moment that perhaps there is more than one right way to do this. That there are multiple roads that lead to a successful outcome. I see lots of parents and I hear their “confessions.” I can say with confidence, most parents that walk around appearing to have it all together – fresh clothes, hair and moving right along, are internally nervous and judging themselves. But they are out there, all of us are, in the trenches doing the best they can and living with a deep fear that they may mess up their little ones. We aren’t talking about choosing the wrong wall paper. These are our children and by definition, it means the stakes are high.

So I implore you please stop the shaming. We put enough pressure on ourselves, why would we shame or own or each other’s parenting choices? We should be joining together and building the village that this global world no longer provides for us. Helping and supporting one another on this exciting and yet trying and exhausting journey called parenthood. If you believe in this please share this article. Tell everyone you know you are no longer a victim, bystander or willing participant in parent-shaming. The way to truly raise a healthy child is for them to have a healthy parent and modeling the right behaviors that work for you, and your family. By standing up against the culture of shame you are in fact doing so much for your child. So, pat yourself in the back and join the anti-shaming movement. Don’t shame others and don’t shame yourself. Let’s start a revolution of helping each other, not shaming each other.