Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I’m going to yell at HGTV the way my husband yells at sports like, “YOU’RE REALLY GOING WITH OPEN SHELVING IN THE KITCHEN, JOANNE! GET IT TOGETHER!!”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 18, 2022
My husband just claimed we have too many sauces in the fridge and it's like I don't even know what more men could possibly want??
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) December 17, 2022
The secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife seven times a day, to help her find her phone
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 12, 2022
My wife and I share an Amazon account so when someone gives me an Amazon gift card she gets excited because she now also has an Amazon gift card.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 18, 2022
I took the kids out for the day so my husband could relax and apparently my husband’s interpretation of relaxing is relaxing and not doing 16 loads of laundry.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 14, 2022
🎶 He’s making a list…
— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) December 14, 2022
He’s checking it twice…
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife 🎶
Husband: Do you think the change in weather could be causing your migraines?
— Ousa the Christmas Goosa (@MedusaOusa) December 14, 2022
Me: [thinking about all the festivities planned, the cleaning & cooking left to do, the kids all home & the sibling arguments, the holiday smells & sweet treats, stressing over last minute gifts] Sure
Me: how you feeling?
— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) December 14, 2022
My husband: I’ve felt better
Me: omg just say fine
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) December 14, 2022
Not sure what most couples do to keep the spark alive in their marriage but I just touched up the trim paint on the baseboards and door frames.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 16, 2022
Me: I got another creepy message from a stranger asking for a picture of my feet.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 18, 2022
Husband: just post one and no one will ever want to see them again.
Did I blame my husband for not being able to find the pyjamas I was already wearing? Yes. But did I then pretend I meant a different pair of pyjamas? Also yes.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 15, 2022
(first day as a couples counselor) is this guy bothering you
— Big Boy Online ☝️😳 (@idonotbleed) December 15, 2022
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl at Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
— Midge (@mxmclain) December 14, 2022
What my wife wants in our relationship has changed over the years. In the beginning, she wanted me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Now she just wants to get a word in edgewise. Be careful what you ask for ladies!
— Aunt Chelle 🏳️🌈☕️ (@ravenswng_) December 15, 2022
One of the most painful things to witness around the holidays is hearing your wife confirm “Yes, that was me” to the credit card people.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) December 17, 2022
I actually asked for a vacuum for Christmas but my husband laughed and told me he isn’t that stupid
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 13, 2022
Lesbians who’ve been together over a decade be like…
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) December 13, 2022
“Ohh you missed a nipple hair, let me pluck that for you real fast” mid sex.
My husband said he was out of clean shirts and, turns out, saying he has my permission to use the washer 24/7 wasn't the support he was looking for
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) December 18, 2022
It’s always exciting when my husband hangs the mistletoe then leads me to it so I can take a picture of him kissing the dog
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) December 6, 2022
asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she said she found three things while shopping for others that she bought for herself and asked which I want to give her
— 🚀🎅Dad Missile Toeing🎅🚀 (@raoulvilla) December 14, 2022
currently feeling an interesting mix of irritation and relief
Every marriage has one person who wants to arrive at the airport 2 hours early & the other wants to arrive when they’re closing the gate.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 17, 2022
My wife asked me what I had to do today and I said ‘tbh not much’ and yeah that was a mistake
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) December 18, 2022
My husband and I have a special hand signal in case one of us is choking because we’d both assume the other was joking and then we’d be dead.
— Jawbreaker🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 15, 2022
