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Earlier this month, we interviewed several sex therapists and sexual wellness experts about the best kinds of books to improve one’s sex life. One title seemed to be at the top of every expert’s list: “Come As You Are” by sex educator, researcher and activist Emily Nagoski.
“Come Together,” which was just released in late January, is Nagoski’s latest effort. It’s a guide to intimacy that every couple or person in a long-term relationship should have on their nightstand.
While “Come As You Are” focused on an individual’s sexuality using relevant and recent data, “Come Together” is about relationships and how partners can connect with a shared authentic sexual connection, Nagoski told HuffPost.
Using the same emphasis on research and scientific evidence, coupled with a prose that’s easy to follow and filled with compassion and humor, according to Nagoski’s publisher, “Come Together” works to unravel some of the preconceived beliefs that many of us hold about sex and long-term relationships — one being that sex will automatically decline the longer you’re with someone; another that sex is the end-all, be-all for a happy, healthy relationship.
“Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term do prioritize sex, but that doesn’t mean they always do, only that they decide that sex contributes something meaningful to their relationship,” Nagoski said. If sex drops off the priority list for a while, she said, these couples are motivated to find their way back to each other once that season of their life has transitioned.
“For some people, many of the benefits of sex can be gained through other shared experiences, like cuddling, talking, playing games together,” Nagoski added.
Whether or not you’ve been experiencing a lack of physical or emotional intimacy with your partner or struggling to overcome false one-size-fits-all ideals of how sex “should be,” you may want to check out this latest work. Nagoski hopes to steer couples into connectedness, sexual satisfaction and more.
Several early readers on “Come Together” have chimed in about the myriad ways the book has helped them. Check out these promising Amazon reviews:
″‘Come Together’ is a much better book that ‘Come As You Are.’ It’s much more direct and specific regarding what makes sex good. ‘Come Together’ doesn’t shy away from disturbing topics (such as sexual coercion) like CAYA did. I liked the way the author made Panksepp, Sapolsky, Kleinplatz, and others’ research and ideas accessible to a layperson. My favorite part was the final chapter with instructions on how to savor positive experiences.” — Amazon customer
“After researching women’s sexuality, Dr. Nagoski has moved on to evaluate the role of sex in long-term relationships. There are many myths regarding desire over the course of relationships, the obstacles that are inevitable, and that enjoyment lessens over time. This is not actually true, and this book points out ways to overcome the destructive myths that are perpetuated.
″‘Spontaneous desire’ doesn’t fuel a love life that spans decades. There are helpful ways to discuss desire or lack thereof, and it can be hard to understand that without taking it personally. Partners in a relationship don’t always understand their own emotional needs, let alone that of their partner. This makes it harder to mesh well, especially when there are conflicts outside the relationship adding stress. It’s something that everyone deals with, especially with busy lives; in the introduction, we see how that affected Emily Nagoski herself.” — MK French (This review was edited for length. Read the full review.)
“Thank you so much to the publisher for sending me this book. It has been such a wonderful, healing experience, reading ‘Come Together’ by Emily Nagoski. If you’ve ever wanted to go to sex therapy but felt weird about going to sex therapy, this book is for you. Unlike her other books, this one focuses specifically on sex in a long-term relationship. It was so validating and healing to hear her debunk the ‘keep the spark alive’ myth―which says to have a healthy sex life, you need to try to stay in that excited, honeymoon phase. It’s exhausting and just not possible. To hear her say that the single most common reason for couples needing therapy is mismatched desire made our experience suddenly not so isolating.
“I cannot say enough good things about this book. It’s conversational and compassionate, the perfect blend of intellectual education and practical application. My husband and I are now rereading it and working through the ‘assignments’ together, learning to center pleasure over desire, and figuring out our emotional floorplans.
“If you loved ‘Come As You Are’ and are in a long-term partnership (or want to be in a long term partnership!), this book is an invaluable resource. I’m so glad it’s out in the world.” — lpmoreland
Before You Go
