Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 30 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I think my wife is really mad at me. She barely touched my fries.— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) February 1, 2023
I’d just like to announce that my husband left a light on— Laura is never ready (@ericamorecambe) February 10, 2023
Husbands on Facebook are like, "look at this hot babe I married," and then they post a picture of their wives looking half dead.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) February 7, 2023
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 9, 2023
My husband is now buying an orange vest so he'll look official when he goes around the neighborhood trimming trees and bushes that have grown over sidewalks.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 11, 2023
Told my husband I ate too many cupcakes. He asked me if I had TWO, and it seems we have VERY different opinions on what ‘too many cupcakes’ means.— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) February 2, 2023
Masters degrees were invented so spouses could remind you of them every time you make a tiny mistake— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 7, 2023
There are those who say, ‘I’ll just do it later,’ and those who say, ‘I’ll do it now so I don’t have to do it later,’ and they marry each other.— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 5, 2023
My husband is gaslighting me in the gayest way— The Jay Agenda 12/2/22 Union Hall (@JayJurden) February 11, 2023
“Everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows this deep cut single (that no one knows)!”
Sure I say “since you’re getting up anyway,” but what I really mean is “I have a little chore for you.”— Darla (@ddsmidt) February 5, 2023
I’m on a business trip and I get this text from my husband, “I think the kids have hidden a hotdog in the house, but I can’t find it”— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 9, 2023
Knocking on Heaven's Door is my favorite song about returning from the grocery store with the generic version of the item that my wife asked me to get— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) February 4, 2023
You should most definitely ask any potential spouses whether they believe dirty dishes should go into the sink, on the counter or in the dishwasher because you think you know but you don't and you will fight about it— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) February 1, 2023
my husband took my kids upstate for the weekend so I could have time to write, and it took me exactly ONE day to revert to my single self. no shower, no real meals, no going outside. turns out being married w kids is the ONLY thing keeping me from being a feral animal— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 11, 2023
Not sure if coincidence but it wasn't until we had a napping toddler that I noticed my husband opens and closes doors as loud as is humanly possible— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) February 4, 2023
If I die first my husband should feel free to remarry but so help me god, if she’s funnier than I am, I’m gonna haunt his sorry ass from the grave— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 9, 2023
Marriage is asking the other person "What are you doing in there?" when they're in a room longer than four seconds.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2023
Marriage is an exciting couples trip to the dump the weekend before Valentine’s Day— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 11, 2023
Marriage be like:— Karen (@AntsyButterfly) February 10, 2023
Him: you woke me up with cold hands!
Me: so set your alarm
Him: I don't want to
Me: so I'll wake you up
Him: but you have cold hands
Me: so set your alarm
Him: I don't want to
“I know they’re called throw pillows, but you don’t have to throw them off the bed so aggressively. They’re here because they LOOK GOOD.”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 31, 2023
-Me, being the fun & carefree wife I always thought I’d be.
I've had to accept there is literally nothing I can do to get my husband to remember he needs to check if I'm in a work meeting before screaming "HI HONEY BUNZ I'M HOOOOOOOME" every single time he walks into the house.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 9, 2023
I’ve never seen my husband look at our son with as much pride as when his sushi hand roll arrived and he told the waiter they forgot the hand.— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 5, 2023
Husband: do you think I do more than the average dad?— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) February 7, 2023
Husband: so, that means you do less than the average mom.
I met most of my husband’s coworkers in a very modern way, trying to sneak past a work video meeting by crawling.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 9, 2023
My husband’s brand of sneeze is completely insane, like this shit has a verse-chorus-bridge structure, it’s madness— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 6, 2023
“WHERE?!”— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 7, 2023
Husband: I left some heart shaped cookies on the counter— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 3, 2023
Me: I know. They’re-
Husband: for the dog
You haven’t seen disappointment until you promise your wife you’ll finish that project later.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 2, 2023
Me to my husband: I love that you work from home so the dog is never alone.— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) January 31, 2023
Also me: I hate that you work from home because when I get home from work, things are always a mess.
wife told me she needs something to wear for college spirit day at the school where she works so I got her a bottle of Axe body spray— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) February 2, 2023