Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 28 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: I no longer wish to be contacted, can you please take me off your call list?
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) November 10, 2022
Wife: please stop answering the phone like that when I call you
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022
Kids who don’t rebel during their childhood are the worst. I just helped a boy sneak in a drink during a family function for the first time in his life.
— Parul (@anotherparul) November 13, 2022
The boy is 29. The boy is my husband.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he'd accidentally hung it up.
— Laura is sofa body ready (@ericamorecambe) November 17, 2022
I asked my husband to add some things that we need for Thanksgiving to the shopping list. When I got to the store I realized he’d just written ‘thanksgiving stuff,’ and if that doesn’t perfectly sum up marriage then I don’t know what does.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 19, 2022
If your wife uses "I" it means she will be doing something. "We" means you will be.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) November 17, 2022
My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022
husband: I was thinking we could start jogging in the mor—-
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 12, 2022
me: let me stop you right there
it's with a heavy heart i announce that, after 12 years of marriage, my partner and i have decided that it's better for both of us if we don't attend any of your holiday parties
— Sam Reich (@samreich) November 16, 2022
Me: [watching football]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 20, 2022
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
romantic comedies should prepare people for how often they’ll text their spouse just from another room
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 18, 2022
When your wife starts a sentence with "When you get a chance..." just go ahead and start putting your shoes on.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) November 20, 2022
She means now.
*Follow me for more marriage tips…
A 90 minute movie takes 2.5 hours to watch because my wife and I pause it to figure out what other movies an actor/actress was in.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2022
Husband: Where should I start with the jobs around the house? What do you want this to look like? Do you want to tell me what you think?
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) November 19, 2022
Me: Whatever you think! You can figure it out.
Me, later: Why did you put that shelf up so high?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 20, 2022
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2022
I was laying on the couch and my wife walked by with a hammer, tape measure and a level but didn’t say a word to me. This is a test, right?
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 16, 2022
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 10, 2022
Marriage can be such a rollercoaster. One minute you're reminiscing over your wedding photos and the next you're asking your partner to please breathe more quietly.
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) November 16, 2022
My husband's shift at the hospital was supposed to end over an hour ago. His dinner is getting cold. How do I know he's stuck talking to someone my mom's age about how she looks "fabulous" and deserves better.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 8, 2022
my wife: do you know the Mary Oliver poem Three Things to Remember?
— lucy bexley 🧃 lucybexley@mastodon.lol (@bexley_lucy) November 11, 2022
me: I think so! Is it keys, phone, wallet?
Married couples be like I’m gonna tolerate the shit out of you tonight
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) November 16, 2022
i ate mcnuggets at 3 pm and wasn’t hungry at dinner time so my husband is making dinner for him and the kids while i sit…i just discovered the secret to winning
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 10, 2022
wife asked me to take photos at the wedding we attended yesterday because her phone was out of storage. I hope she enjoys the 37 pictures I took of my thumb, shoes and random strangers
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) November 13, 2022
“I know they’re called throw pillows, but you don’t have to throw them off the bed so aggressively. They’re here because they LOOK GOOD.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 10, 2022
-Me, being the fun & carefree wife I always thought I’d be.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) November 10, 2022
I'm your wife. You might remember me from such hits as "We are leaving in two minutes" and its sequel "Why are you in the shower?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 10, 2022
When my wife says “do you think we..”there’s a 94% chance we’re buying more pillows for the house.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 14, 2022
