The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
I got up early today and to my surprise I saw my two dogs out on the deck. I was confused. I was 100% positive they were inside all night. So the dogs come in, happy with their tails wagging. Then my two dogs come down the stairs. Long story short I’ve got 4 dogs now.
— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 14, 2023
i’ve been on my last straw for like 300 straws now
— trash jones (@jzux) March 13, 2023
Girl, what are you talking about? Studying abroad is awesome!https://t.co/xlEgCKTzqg
— Amanda Knox (@amandaknox) March 15, 2023
I'm sorry, were any of you planning on telling me there used to be a species of penguin that was 6'7" (2m) tall and weighed 250 lbs (115kg) called Mega Penguin or was I supposed to just find that out on my own
— Dr. Anna Hughes (@AnnaGHughes) March 15, 2023
My grandma doesn’t even realize how good she is at posting pic.twitter.com/spi4xTqLcc
— mere strömb (@merestromb) March 11, 2023
Just once I'd like an Oscar winner to take a moment to address their dead parents by looking down instead of up
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) March 13, 2023
a lot of people do not seem to realize that the best sitcom of all time is whichever one you watched when you were like 14
— kathleen (@fordhoIden) March 11, 2023
Me as soon as I get anywhere: pic.twitter.com/gM4GBIkZXB
— Invis🍒 (@invis4yo) March 11, 2023
I love when people post a lot and you can tell it’s bc they have a crush on someone
— melissa lozada-oliva (@ellomelissa) March 15, 2023
it’s so weird… every time i sit down to write always seems to coincide with the moment i realize that i need to make another mug of tea or get a little snack…. it’s uncanny
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) March 16, 2023
The two books here pic.twitter.com/v7l3YK9j8O
— mia🫒 (@rasputinboneym) March 16, 2023
one time I knew a relationship was over because we were on a road trip and I looked out the window like “cows!!!” and she didn’t say ANYTHING. NOTHING. then we drove the next 5 hours in silence while I was like damn this is definitely not gonna work
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 15, 2023
after many years they have finally installed my requested panic room at the grocery store pic.twitter.com/TDAwvR22L7
— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) March 15, 2023
I hate having a messy house.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 15, 2023
Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a disgusted stare from my seat on the couch…
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate's maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 15, 2023
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Sorry how was Lady Gaga able to get all this makeup off so fast with no smears? If I wash my face like 5 times I still go to bed looking like the Joker pic.twitter.com/HUO2sZHIc0
— Pjörk🐷 (@NicoleConlan) March 13, 2023
Not enough straight men understand how hot planning is. "I got us a reservation for Thursday." Hot. "Are you free next weekend to come to my friend's party?" SO HOT. "Let's meet at 5pm tomorrow, now you know what time to wash your hair." Clothes on the floor!!!
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 13, 2023
getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of anger
— M 🍓 (@babyariees) March 16, 2023
Let us never forget Eric, the greatest Crufts hero of all time - part dog, part pain au chocolat, all legend pic.twitter.com/Va2NmgEpcX
— Emma Hughes (@emmahdhughes) March 12, 2023
Personally I never look up the lyrics to Hozier songs. It feels like an invasion of privacy. If Andrew wanted me to know the words he would’ve enunciated
— alli@plants :)🌱 (@allisuncos) March 16, 2023
the red cross should consider implementing this new slogan: "it's giving blood"
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 16, 2023
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) March 14, 2023
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
This photo goes crazy. The Etsy girlies are going to have a field day. pic.twitter.com/FFZCC00MTD
— bobbi hosts ✨The Afternoon Special✨ (@hiimbobbi) March 13, 2023
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight over-explaining the point I’ve already laid out that no one asked me to clarify, and I’m just making myself look worse and worse, but maybe just one more explanation will fix it? Oh no, I’ve said too much. I haven’t said enough?
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) March 15, 2023
when i have so many tasks and responsibilities pic.twitter.com/LJDZMo8gCr
— dula peep (@alxinnw) March 14, 2023
the next trend for women is “mrs magoo-core” shes bumping into things, breaking bones, ruining everything — but she’s always up for an adventure
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) March 14, 2023
I have to agree. By around 4 the smell from decomposing bodies starts to get strong enough for the neighbours to notice. I would recommend having no more than 1-2 in your house at any one time and a nearby discreet place where you can bury them quickly https://t.co/SURzr1BITZ
— angela bassett did the thing (@naledimashishi) March 12, 2023
You ever sit for so long that your butt feels like this pic.twitter.com/SRW7o5IH3U
— Mona (@RealMona_) March 15, 2023
Obviously no one deserves to win an Oscar but Austin butler did give his entire consciousness to Elvis for some reason
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 12, 2023
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
— Mary Annaïse Heglar (@MaryHeglar) March 13, 2023
